If you only see one blockbuster this summer…
Tasmania: The Movie
- The chainsaw head massacre scene
Starring Ricky Ponting, Looney Tunes Tasmanian Devil, Bob Brown, and Errol Flynn’s corpse — with a cameo appearance from the Crown Princess of Denmark, Mary Donaldson, and that dude who was in Australian Idol or Big Brother or something. Directed posthumously by legendary combat cameraman Neil Davis.
Challenging the traditional belief that all films from the island state should be a) gory b-grade horror (Dying Breed) b) morbidly depressing (Sound of One Hand Clapping) or c) star Lisa McCune (The Potato Factory) Tasmania: The Movie is a no holds barred musical adventure through the wilds of the west coast and coming of age tale, exploring the pain and anguish of having one’s second head removed to meet conventional Australian expectations of mono-cranium all the while striving desperately to achieve international standards in cricket.
Set to the melodic tones of the Violent Femmes and Frente, Tasmania: The Movie tells the story of a young environmentalist cricketer Bob Ponting who falls in love with a dashing Scandinavian prince in a Sydney sports bar. In a tragic Romeo and Juliet style twist, forced to speak English with a weird accent to win the prince’s affection, apple loving Bob learns his lover drinks Boags and not Cascade — a teary soul searching montage ensues.
The confused and tortured Tasmanian sporting hero returns to his hometown to rediscover his inner devil and save the forests from a pulp mill and Midnight Oil. Bob chains himself to a mighty huan pine in the Styx valley where he is confronted by a shot gun wielding forestry CEO in pinstripes. Terrified, Bob starts to sing “My Island Home“, infuriating the CEO who removes his second head with a chainsaw. Tearing off a rubbery mask the CEO reveals that his is in fact ranga and former Tasmanian premier Paul Lennon (played by Aussie legend and super hot ranga David Wenham -Lennon never looked so good).
Left mono-cranium to wander the gothic misty wilderness alone Bob stumbles upon the corpse of Errol Flynn who gives him no advice whatsoever. Enlightened, Bob enters the senate, weds his true love and outlaws any further depiction of the cartoon Tassie Devil, much to the relief of Tasmanians the world over.
The highlight of the film is British actor Jude Law reclaiming his infamous role as Erroll Flynn from The Aviator (”I’m a Tasmanian bastard you ignorant prick!” punch), convincingly portraying the corpse of Hollywood’s golden age star through the rather unexpected method of not moving at all.
The combined use of a real life politician and international cricket star at different stages in the film definitely does not work, nor leads to a particularly interesting story. That dude from Big Brother or Australian Idol or something, throws away another opportunity to grasp meaningless c-grade fame through his appalling depiction of the murderous forestry CEO. All in all the best part about Tasmania: The Movie is the music -and that’s pretty average too. Three stars.
2 Comments
I thought it was Huon Pine. We saw the trailer and decided we could hardly wait to miss the freaking movie. I’m not trying to be rude to the Tasweigans, vandedermonians, what ever. But is this all they could do to counter the Gunn’s rape of our NATIONAL heritage? Mighty tree one minute, lavatory paper the next. This is progress?
Personally I thought this film punched some of the basic fundementals that make Australian films so crindgeworthy and unwatchable right on the head. Amazingly shit film. However the music, no matter how drab, was still better than ‘The Potato Factory’ and although the plot was pretty poor it was still better than ‘Young Einstein’. We just can not have a movie involving Tasmania be this well made.
I´d like to point out that Ricky Ponting can´t act. I´m suprised to be the first to pick up on that one. Terrible actor, although the scene with him running with a cricket bat was class. I found the part with Erroll Flynn untasteful. He´s a national treasure, he could have at least been resurected (like Jesus!) for five minutes when Bob spoke to him. There just wasn´t enough cameos in this film either – no Boonie, Jim Bacon or any of the guys from Love of Diagrams made this painful watch even more boring.
3 stars out of 10.