Fabulous Friday trash wrap: Jordan and Pete’s breakup and DJ Gwyneth

Crikey Intern Amber Jamieson wraps up our favourite trash for the week:

Least surprising breakup ever: The biggest trash story of the week is undoubtedly the devastating news of Jordan and Peter Andre’s break up. We NEVER saw this coming. News just keeps flying in about these two: Jordan has dumped her management team, it’s all just a publicity stunt and they are already in talks with OK magazine for an exclusive. Both have fled overseas, Jordan to the Maldives – creepily in the same hotel they spent their honeymoon – and Peter Andre is hanging out with his brother in Cypress.

Jordan sure is a mysterious girl. Apparently she hadn’t put out in a few months and is a crazy bitch when drunk. She has though, been sending Pete texts “promising to be a ‘wild animal’ in the bedroom again”. So far, no replies.

And now, a brief historical look at their beautiful relationship:

DJ Gwyneth: GOOP again provides us with some glorious fodder for the trash wrap, as this time Gwyneth collects a bunch of her super cool DJ friends for some groovy tunes for us to get down and boogie. Or as Gwyneth says: “Get your mother lovin’ dance shoes on…”

All the music picks are as bland as her old macrobiotic diet, since the songs picked will be familiar to any person who has ever attended a party, ever. Tick to Gwyneth for throwing in a Coldplay song to keep the home front happy. The idea of Gwyneth dancing in a leotard and telling Chris Martin to ‘put a ring on it’ is pretty awesome too..

Mad’s getting hitched. Madonna is to ‘wed’ her Brazilian toy boy babe Jesus Luz in a Kabbalah commitment ceremony, according to the Daily Mirror. Her daughter Lourdes – not the Malawi orphan, they won’t let her have that one yet – apparently calls Jesus ‘the Babysitter’, since he is just a few years older than her. Lourdes is a brave lass, not many people would insult a woman with guns like Mads.

What is it with Russian model types and old wrinkly celebs? First Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood and the Russian teenager, then Mel Gibson follows with his multitude of Oksanas and now Micky Rourke has been pashing on with a Russian Victoria’s Secret model. Rourke’s latest lucky makeout is more than thirty years younger than him. And there are pictures. Ewww.

Remember Glitter? Actress isn’t exactly what springs to mind when someone says Mariah Carey. But, the trailer for a new film Precious starring Mariah has been released and amazingly it doesn’t look totally shit house. This is probably because Mariah is clearly only in a supporting role, isn’t wearing obvious mini skirts and doesn’t seem to sing.