Crikey: The Movie

This week, the newsroom has been speculating about the inevitable day when the story of our little independent media outlet gets turned into low-budget Australian film or bad ABC mini-series.

Will it be a charming British rom-com in which foppish-but-witty journalists discover love was sitting just one medium-density fiberboard desk and out-dated PC away all along? Or an action-packed post-apocalyptic sci-fi thriller, where a former special forces soldier-turned-cartoonist is forced to rely on his raw survival and combat skills after the sound of a ceaseless security alarm turns everyone else on Earth into mindless, brain-eating zombies?

And most importantly, which actors are going to have the honour of playing us?

Sophie Black, Editor: Everyone’s telling me that I’m not allowed to smoosh all the crusty old editors from all the best newspaper movies and TV show ever all together to make one super Editor character to play me in the Crikey movie, but I don’t care. Hey, I’m the editor. So I’ll take a bit of Julia Swalihilaiaia as Lynda Day from Press Gang, Peter Sarsgaard as the editor guy from Shattered Glass, Helen Mirren as the cool hardarse editor in State of Play the US remake, Bill Nigh, also as the cool hardarse editor in State of Play the UK original, with a touch of Jason Robard as Ben Bradlee in All the Presidents Men and a dash of Mary Tyler Moore in the Mary Tyler Moore show. Oh, and the angry editor of The Daily Planet from Superman. That is all.

Jason Whitaker, Deputy Editor: I’ve been told on a number of occasions I bear a striking resemblance to lame-ass crooner Michael Bublé. I find this admittedly flattering comparison quite insulting — and I’m pretty sure he can’t act. In truth, at least for the social foibles, I’m probably looking at someone like Larry David. With a hairpiece.

Bernard Keane, Canberra correspondent: My separated-at-birth, never-seen-in-the-same-room twin Bill Pullman would play me, of course, although ideally Stanley Kubrick would direct and therefore Leonard Rossiter would play me, which would be way cool.

Richard Farmer, long-time contributor: Boris Karloff.

Leigh Josey, Production Manager: Denzel Washington. It just makes so much sense.

Mick the Sub: I’d have to play myself cos I wouldn’t wish my traits on anyone else. If that’s not allowed, then First Dog would be my first preference but he’s too short to cut it, so either of the Leyland brothers would do.

Andrew Crook, Journalist: Jason from the RACV ads.

Ruth Brown, Website Editor: Janeane Garofalo (90210-style, as she’s a good 20 years older than me). Few others can quite match my filthy mouth and level of sarcasm.

Amber Jamieson, Journalist: I hate this question, because I have no proper answer. So, I asked First Dog and he suggested the following stupid answers: Winona Ryder, the girl who played little orphan Annie, Melissa Gilbert in Little House on the Prairie, Michelle Pfeiffer, Meryl Streep, Alyson Hannigan. So basically anyone female, preferably with freckles and short hair. So therefore, whoever played Velma in the original cartoon version of Scooby Doo. Never ask First Dog anything because he is a moron.

First Dog on the Moon: Sandra Bullock or Phillip Seymour Hoffman. And Jason would be played by Renee Zellweger.

Next week, find out which D-grade actors would play us in the straight-to-DVD sequel Crikey II: The Bloodening.