Boyle too big for boots? Interweb sensation and Britian’s Got Talent contestant Susan Boyle has shocked fans around the world by going “berserk” in the lobby of a North London hotel. Goaded by two strangers, SuBo “was heard to roar: “How f***ing dare you! You can’t f***ing talk to me like that.” SuBo wellwishers worldwide eagerly await the next crack to appear in the Hairy Angel exterior — surely not far away.

Jessica makes the most of her assets. Meanwhile the Fug Girls give Jessica Simpson props for managing to embrace both the tabloid media’s obsession with the starlet’s weight AND her penchant for reality TV into her next career venture. Jessica will be travelling the world examining body-image issues in her new television show — better, the Fug Girls say, than “going on a Lohan-style bender or resorting to a diet of lemon juice and Playboy spreads.”

Time to go Bradless! Jennifer Aniston’s friends have told her to cut Brad Pitt out of her life — and not a moment too soon. Courtney Cox says the text messages have to stop! Eleven children into his new relationship one wonders what exactly he is doing in his ex-wife’s life, but still it remains good advice.

This week’s GOOP takes a sombre turn, and asks:

Have you ever loved somebody who drinks until their usually charming personality is usurped by a monster? Or discovered that someone you adore is throwing up after every meal? Or wondered if you are stuck in a feedback loop of tension and unrest because you need the adrenaline of stress to function? How do we become enslaved by addiction? What is addiction?

Gwynnie’s roster of “sages” she recruits to dole out advice (presumably — I couldn’t bring myself to read it) covers all bases — a Kabbalah devotee, a Zen Master, an Episcopal priest, a psychologist, the Shaikh of the Mevlevi Order (look up Sufism) and Deeprak Chopra — who is President of the Alliance for New Humanity.

Megan Fox: “Superman is kind of a douchebag”. Megan Fox lets it all hang out for Esquire, with a bunch of raunchy undie shots and her exclusive views on superheroes, sex and watching High School Musical stoned.

How Quentin wooed Brad. Brad Pitt reveals how Quentin Tarantino convinced him to star in his latest film,  Inglourious Basterds:

Quentin came to visit some time at the end of the summer, we talked about backstory, we talked about movie–I get up the next morning and see five empty bottles of wine right on the floor, five, and something that resembles a smoking apparatus–I don’t know what that was about – and apparently I had agreed to do this film

Keyboard Cat goes large. We usually consider ourselves above stupid Internet memes, but oh how we’ve fallen for Keyboard Cat. Getting the kind of publicity he (she??!!?) so richly deserves, Keyboard Cat has now made an appearance on The Daily Show:

GOOP watch: Effing food AGAIN? Seriously, GOOP is just turning into “Meet Gwyneth’s celebrity chef friends”. Anyway, some guy called Giancarlo Giametti makes dinner. Actually, and I hate, HATE to admit this — it looks quite good. Someone cook me some Parmesan crisps, please.

Also, apparently Hindu scholars are now having a go at GOOP too. Says Rajan Zed:

“The actress needs to grow-up and stop writing about mundane topics like ‘Boots by Gucci’, ‘Banana Pancakes’, ‘The Hungry Cat’ and ‘Tweezerman’ – in which she talks about taming the unruly eyebrows of men. Instead, she needs to talk about topics like realising self, immortality, deeper reality, eternity, soul, inner realms of the mind and spirit, pure consciousness. That’s if she’s truly serious about inner aspect.”

We’re all for having a go at the Gwynsect, but err, I don’t think anyone wants to read her musings on deeper reality or the inner realms of the mind, thanks very much.

Least surprising breakup ever: The biggest trash story of the week is undoubtedly the devastating news of Jordan and Peter Andre’s break up. We NEVER saw this coming. News just keeps flying in about these two: Jordan has dumped her management team, it’s all just a publicity stunt and they are already in talks with OK magazine for an exclusive. Both have fled overseas, Jordan to the Maldives – creepily in the same hotel they spent their honeymoon – and Peter Andre is hanging out with his brother in Cypress.

Jordan sure is a mysterious girl. Apparently she hadn’t put out in a few months and is a crazy bitch when drunk. She has though, been sending Pete texts “promising to be a ‘wild animal’ in the bedroom again”. So far, no replies.

And now, a brief historical look at their beautiful relationship:

DJ Gwyneth: GOOP again provides us with some glorious fodder for the trash wrap, as this time Gwyneth collects a bunch of her super cool DJ friends for some groovy tunes for us to get down and boogie. Or as Gwyneth says: “Get your mother lovin’ dance shoes on…”

All the music picks are as bland as her old macrobiotic diet, since the songs picked will be familiar to any person who has ever attended a party, ever. Tick to Gwyneth for throwing in a Coldplay song to keep the home front happy. The idea of Gwyneth dancing in a leotard and telling Chris Martin to ‘put a ring on it’ is pretty awesome too..

Mad’s getting hitched. Madonna is to ‘wed’ her Brazilian toy boy babe Jesus Luz in a Kabbalah commitment ceremony, according to the Daily Mirror. Her daughter Lourdes – not the Malawi orphan, they won’t let her have that one yet – apparently calls Jesus ‘the Babysitter’, since he is just a few years older than her. Lourdes is a brave lass, not many people would insult a woman with guns like Mads.

What is it with Russian model types and old wrinkly celebs? First Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood and the Russian teenager, then Mel Gibson follows with his multitude of Oksanas and now Micky Rourke has been pashing on with a Russian Victoria’s Secret model. Rourke’s latest lucky makeout is more than thirty years younger than him. And there are pictures. Ewww.

Remember Glitter? Actress isn’t exactly what springs to mind when someone says Mariah Carey. But, the trailer for a new film Precious starring Mariah has been released and amazingly it doesn’t look totally shit house. This is probably because Mariah is clearly only in a supporting role, isn’t wearing obvious mini skirts and doesn’t seem to sing.

Priest beached by topless scandal. A Miami TV Reverend, Alberto Cutié (pronounced Koo-tee-ay), is involved in a sexy scandal. Reports place him topless on a beach with an attractive woman. The controversy is reopening the debate over celibacy in the priesthood. The 40-year old Cutié has apologised to his followers saying he’s taking time for “personal reflection.”

Oh Mel, surely not! Meanwhile, another story about a devout celeb being, perhaps, less than devout. This one is from the grassy knoll, or in magazine-speak, it’s being reported by The National Enquirer. Mel Gibson’s Russian girlfriend may be pregnant. His wife Robyn filed divorce papers on April 13.

Why Taylor digs Thirteen. In harder news, singer Taylor Swift tells MTV news why 13 is her lucky number. How’s this for spooky… One of her songs has a 13 second intro, she always sits in the 13th row at award shows AND she was born on the 13th, the list goes on. She paints 13 on her hand every day so nobody forgets (including her?)

Paris Hilton never fails to disappoint. This time, the media tart is making sure she gets headlines with comments about why she’s immune from Swine Flu (she doesn’t eat pork) and what she’d do if she were president (go to war torn countries and throw a party).

In this week’s GOOP. Makeup! Gwyneth gets some world class hair and make-up artists “to give us all (men and women alike) a few pointers for ways we can tighten up our programs.”  Ah, program, is that robot Gwyneth speak for appearance?

How many starving African kids could celebrity engagement rings feed? A question I’m sure we’ve all pondered at some point – Cat Walk Cat Fight has a visual guide, and it’s both wonderful and depressing. Nicole Richie’s is quite modest, expensive enough for only 200 kids, while Beyonce could feed 100,000.

Couple have sex on Windsor Castle lawn. Ah, the British: a randy couple were caught making the beast with two backs on Liz’s lawn, in front of quite an audience, no less. Charming.

Mr T does jury duty. Mr T took time out of his busy schedule promoting Snickers and the FlavorWave (if you haven’t seen this full infomercial, I implore you to stay up into the wee hours one night and watch it on Channel Ten. You won’t regret it!*) to do his civic duty, reporting for jury duty.

“If you’re innocent, I’m your best man,” he said. “But if you’re guilty, I pity that fool.”

Paris Hilton on swine flu:

Click here to view the embedded video.

GOOP-watch: Food (and kids) again. Gwyneth shares her favourite “kid-friendly” restaurants — ones that are “good for them and delish for us”. Gag. I wonder how “friendly” the other customers feel when she brings her spawn into adult restaurants?

Hard to pick just one highlight, but try this on for size:

My kids were in heaven with the menu (tater tots, pancakes, the biggest ice cream sundae on the planet) and so was I (chopped salad, gravlax, beet risotto)

CHOPPED SALAD?!?! MMMM, dreamy.

* You may, in fact, regret it

Hairy Angel HAS been kissed. It was all a lie! Britain’s Got Talent breakout Susan “Hairy Angel” Boyle says her claims to have never been kissed were a “joke”. Lame. Meanwhile, some columnists are calling shenanigans on the whole “ugly duckling” story. Come on guys: she IS ugly — you can’t fake that.

Denise Richards is selling her “fun bags”. No, quite literally, she is.

Li-Lo and Ellen present the most uncomfortable interview ever. So celebrity LUG Lindsay Lohan has broken up with Sam Ronson, and she appeared on Ellen to talk about it.

Mega. Awkward.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The musical we had to have. They’re making a Jade Goody musical. Natch. I look forward to seeing the whole Shilpa Shetty debacle recreated with jazz hands, chorus lines and double entendres.

William H. Macy wants to spank unkempt boys. His advice for losing your virginity at prom:

I would say dance, and learn how to dress. I see these young guys who walk into a formal gathering and they haven’t shaved and they have a baseball hat on, I just want to take them outside and spank them. It is so rude. I can’t stand the guys that do that.

GOOP-watch. Last week’s GOOP caused quite the stir, with speculation over who Gwyneth’s “frenemy” might be. Many are speculating that it’s Winona Ryder. Huh, if so, that totally went over our heads. We will endeavour to be more in-tune to Gwyneth’s passive aggressiveness in future.

This week, Gwynnie makes antipasti, including the most boring bruschetta on earth (bread, oil garlic) which comes close to steamed peas for sheer irrelevency. Remind me next week to share my killer recipe for a Vegemite sandwich.

It looks like she may have hired a food stylist (or a new one), with some rather exaggerated flourishes added to the images to make them look more appealing. Case in point: her very special recipe for slow-roasted tomatoes (put some oil on tomatoes and roast them. Slowly.) features poached eggs rather more prominently than the boring dish in question.

Anyway, we didn’t pick up on any subtle bitchy swipes at her celebrity friends in this edition, though it’s possible that the artichokes really represent Sharon Stone.

Katie Couric’s “selective” Twitter feed. Busted: CBS anchor Katie Couric rants at a panel discussion about how “inane and narcissistic” Twitter is (which, duh; that’s the point) and how “selective” she is about what she tweets… Valleywag dig through her Twitter feed, finding many inane and narcissistic tweets. Hilarity ensues.

Lady GagGa goes ga-ga. Lady GaGa is the kind of person my dad would describe as a “dill”. By “dill”, he means “f-ckwit”, but he’s too nice to say such things. Anyway, GaGa upped her dill-factor even more recently by spacking out with a microphone during a performance on radio and accidentally hitting one of her dancers in the face, knocking out the poor dear’s teeth. The bigger question: Why did she need dancers for a radio performance?

Mum inherits bad roots and pasty complexion from daughter. Oh Britain, you’re truly the gift that keeps on giving. To whit: a 50-year-old British woman has spent £10,000 (which is approximately a gazillion Australian dollars at the current exchange rate) on plastic surgery to look more like her daughter. Check it:

Very Madame Tussauds. (Oh, the mum is the one on the left).

Octomum: The Octobot has announced a reality TV series will follow her unfortunate spawn until they’re 18-years-old (and presumably in therapy or rehab). Of course, we criticise, but we’ll watch it.

GOOP watch. This week, Gwyneth muses on why we’re all horrible bitchy gossips and why we enjoy it so much (that’s “we” as a human race, but… either/or). Of course, she doesn’t say it like that — she uses words like “frenemy” and “evil tongue”, because she’s a dick — but that’s the general gist. She consults such lumiaries as the director of a Kabbalah Centre on this pressing issue. All pretty much say the same thing: we’re insecure assholes, but being gossipy molls does us no good in the long run (says you, spiritual experts. I make a good living thankyouverymuch), but with lots of flowery language and inappropriate capitalisation.

Now all you have to do is work on your rap name. Learn how to speak rap! No longer will you be singing along with P Diddy with  no idea who you are insulting — or why you got pistol whipped yesterday, yo.

Oprah knows best. Chris Brown and Rihanna are said to still be on a break. It is rumoured that none other than Oprah wants the two on her show at the same time. It has been almost two months after the alleged attack on the pop star left her unconscious with a messed up face and bite marks. Oprah Winfrey: Goddess of Love.

Red bull gives you… hunger pains. Rumour mongers allege that Lindsay Lohan — or ‘Lilo’ for those who don’t waste syllables — has been getting all the sustenance she needs from red bull, candy and cigarettes.  “She eats!” shoots back Lohan’s rep.

And once again for those in the cheap seats. “A shot at love” star Tila Tequila has decided to show her bolt-on boobies to the paparazzi. Who knows if it was a few too many shots (of love?) or just all the attention but the flashing has led to a real or fake vote on this site.

Angie to complete the rainbow? The Sun (yes indeed, feel the authority) reports that Angelina Jolie confided in one of the young stars of Slumdog Millionaire that her next stop at the baby adopting shop will be India.

John Mayer a twit? So the big buzzy thing on the intertubes is that Jennifer Aniston broke up with John Mayer due to his Twitter addiction. Of course THEN the obligatory “he just couldn’t measure up to Brad” talk started. But really, Mayer was a Twitter moderate compared to some. Meh. Maybe his body just wasn’t such a wonderland after all?

Shut up, Lars Ulrich. Metallica drummer and massive tool Lars Ulrich — notorious for cracking down on thousands of fans for downloading their songs on Napster (heh, remember Napster? Good times.) — reveals in this Wired interview he downloaded a leaked version of his own band’s latest album. Er Lars? You’re doing it wrong.

Oh no, Willy didn’t make it. And he crushed our boy! Everyone’s favourite Jim Henson production, Bindi Irwin, is apparently going to star in the fourth sequel to Free Willy (there was a third?). It also involves Beau Bridges and is set in South Africa. Of course.

GOOP-watch: ZOMG technology! This week’s GOOP is a video from Gwynnie’s “organic plastic surgeon” (which is Gwynspeak for “personal trainer”), Tracey Anderson, complete with snazzy graphics and everything.

See, this is what we love about GOOP; it’s one thing for self-indulgent movie stars to spend their time writing free blog-style emails, but it goes to a whole new level of awesome, crazy narcissism when they pay people to create professional video graphics for them (unless Gwyneth possesses secret design and multimedia skillz?!?! Discuss.)

” Here is a spanking new dance cardio routine from Tracy Anderson to get our heart rates up and the inches melting away,” says  Gwyneth. Note the inclusive language there: our heart rates. She has “saddle bags” too, remember?

Meanwhile, the awesome Go Fug Yourself ladies have a great GOOP analysis on NY mag:

Little by little, GOOP’s relentless obliviousness sneaks up on you and becomes oddly charming. Once you realize you’re reading it not for the information, but for the peek into how Gwyneth ticks, it becomes hilarious – not annoying – when Gwyneth blithely exalts rare hibiscus-flavored Majorcan salt, or recommends giving someone a $1,400 leather weekend-getaway bag for Christmas. You react with an amused, “Of course” when a pal of the woman who once evangelized macrobiotic living produces a recipe called “Dino Meat,” made of unappetizing lumps of obscure meat substitute served with mushy grains arranged in the shape of a cow (the awesome photo of which single-handedly validated our continued membership).

Go read the whole thing.

Mag  jumps the gun on Jade Goody’s death. Ouch: The UK’s OK! magazine has released an “official tribute issue” to dying reality TV star Jade Goody — except she’s still alive! Classy.

Sexy career opportunities. Times are tough for those looking for a job, so a strip club in Boston is hosting a job fair.

I love the AP intro on this story: “Here’s a job opportunity you won’t need a new wardrobe for.” Uh, really? I kinda think I would…

Miaow! One of the US Project Runway contestants has been arrested for throwing a cat at her fiance:

According to law enforcement sources, an enraged Collins woke Penley up just after 7 a.m. by hurling their cat in his face. Then she threw her laptop, and as he fell crawled on the floor, slammed a door on his head.

She threw three apples, and doused him with water, before he was able to dial 911.

GOOP Watch: This week, another of Gwyneth’s BFFs — they share an obsession with Vegenaise!!! — cooks.  She shows us how to dumb down meals for kids, by calling them things like “Dinosaur Meat” and “Shrek Pasta”, because kids are stupid and they should only learn to eat food that sounds like a Happy Meal.

Apparently the Beastie Boys’ kids like it, so it must be good.

A polenta cow? Give me a break.