Look at this! Google had a competition to see who could design the Google Australia Day logo and this year’s winner is this one:

(I have made some helpful notations)

Not bad – I quite like it. See how it spells G-O-O-G-L-E? Haha they should do that more often.

But this is not what made it on to the google oz search page. No!

This is what appears!

Why do google hate Aboriginal Australia? Do no evil? I don’t think so.

This is why Australian Owned Google should be ashamed of itself. What would Australian of the Year, world-renowned psychiatrist Professor Patrick McGorry say? He would probably say “Close the detention centres Kevin, you know you want to!”. I love him and his aerodynamic beard.

Anyway, we pretended to speak to someone from Google and this is what they might have said “Australia has a proud history of something or other and that is really important to the Google. Put that down, you might break it. And take off that dog suit, you look ridiculous. Anyway, that flag pisses some people right off and whatever we say, we are primarily in it for the cash so whatever, kind of like that guy in the previous post I can see over there, the unaustralian of the year fellow, that guy is just a giant evil sphincter walking around pretending to be a guy” but they didn’t say any of that which is a pity because it would make Australia Day way more hilarious.

Update – Someone has hacked the Google website and added some nonsense about the flag being copyright so they couldn’t use it. Obviously this was done just to make me look bad because 1. Like the internet I have ever been wrong, and 2. I have certainly never just made shit up or written a post without knowing all the facts. Why do Australians hate facts so much?

Some may suggest this is not worthy of a blog post. They would be wrong.

I bicycled from Broulee to Mogo the other day. My journey took me past the Mogo Zoo and in a paddock nearby I saw the lovely Water Buffaloes. We are always excited to drive past the Mogo Zoo and see their Water Buffaloes because Water Buffaloes! This time I was on a bicycle so I decided to stop. I Got off my bike and I leaned against the fence. And there they were in the paddock right there. Water Buffaloes.

What handsome beasts they are. And gigantic. And not at all watery but solid and wide and excellently hefty.

I started at them, they stared back at me.Then slowly, slowly, some of them started to move towards my leaning spot by the fence. I made the sort of noises one makes to attract cows. That appeared to decide it for them and they all began a ponderous  meander in my direction. Did they think I would feed them? Did they perhaps love me as I already loved them? Did they want to kill me and eat me? Why not, I am certainly delicious.

Hellooooooo

They do love me!

I am frightened! They want to kill me and eat me!

I love you!

I for one would like to welcome our Water Buffalo Overlords

But there they were and here they come. At one point a small one which was the paddock next door climbed through the fence to be with the others. I wondered about the fences at that point. Weak fences that a baby Water Buffalo could wander through. The baby ones are a sandy colour and fuzzy.

I was there for about 10 minutes as my new Buffalo friends slowly made their way toward me, I tried to make myself as appealing to them as possible but I am not really sure what that means. Eventually as you can see from the photos they made their way up to the fence where I was standing.

I said to the nearest one, I would like to pat you but I am a bit frightened. It did not reply. Although there was general snorting.

Then a motorcycle arrived. “Would you mind not doing that” said the motorcycle guy. He had an English accent and I have come to think of him as the Rude Englishman. He said “The mums come up to the fence with their babies and then they sometimes run through. The last time that happened we had to shoot them”

Having extruded his instruction, he turned to go. No Hello, No Goodbye, No Aren’t the Buffaloes lovely and how about this weather! No please or thank you no nothing.

I said I would not mind leaving them alone at all and sorry about that I didn’t realise it was a problem. He was already back at his motorcycle. Perhaps he was in a hurry.

I suggested they might put a sign on the fence to discourage Stupid Fat Tourists from Enticing the Water Buffaloes to talk to them.

And he said “well we don’t normally have them in this paddock but kayakers and people are coming along the river and talking to them on the other side so we needed to move them”.

Then when I tried to talk to him about how lovely the Water Buffaloes were he said he couldn’t hear me because he had his helmet on. And then he left.

He was quite dismissive and unnecessarily rude. I wonder if he was the guy who shot the lion that one time? I felt a bit foolish that I had only wanted to talk to the Water Buffaloes and had almost been responsible for them all being shot! I was ashamed. And then I realised no! The Rude Englishman had made me feel ashamed with his snide and dismissive manner. How beastly!

There I was riding past, stopping innocently to chat to the Water Buffaloes and he made me feel like an idiot because the Mogo Zoo are too cheap to pay for decent fences and would rather shoot escaping Buffaloes than spend the money to secure their enclosure. This snooty fellow has single handedly ruined my entire holiday. Bastard!

Obviously if I am actually causing a problem I am happy to leave the Water Buffaloes alone, I certainly do not want to cause them any distress or Buffalo problems and I do not wish to create any work or complications for the people who look after them. However, how was I to know? And is that the normal process for managing water Buffalo security? Sending Mr Snitty to threaten to kill the livestock?

Because I have such a generous and forgiving nature I have helpfully made some signs that they could put up:

It appears The Mogo Zoo has chosen to put a whole crew of potentially uncontrollable half ton animals in an enclosure with a crappy fence which could result in escape which could result in water buffaloes causing car accidents or attacking people and finding themselves being shot to death. Perhaps I am mistaken.

And all of this could be triggered by a well meaning fat cartoonist on a bicycle who just wanted some water buffalo love! Heavens.

Perhaps the Rude Englishman was just jealous because the water buffaloes obviously loved me? Perhaps he didn’t work at the zoo at all! Maybe he just rides around the country telling people to stay away from things by making up stories because he is a madman on holiday. It is a mystery.

I may blog. I may not. It will depend on how I am feeling. So nyah.

I had a lovely time in Canberra – I really did meet all the people I said I met in my cartoons. I also did the panel last night to launch Matt Golding’s book. Apparently I was quite funny. When I get a link to the broadcast I will post it here. Based on last night I am planning to do a week during the comedy festival – ahahaha no that is not true.