80 Wombats die after beaching themselves to protest whale cull

Did you know that licenses are being issued willy nilly to cull various native beasts including Swans and Wombats? (Swans? WTF?) It’s true! Apparently native animals are enormously inconvenient to those of us who like to eat meat and wear wool etc. so people who I have not met in Rural and Regional Australia will shoot at them. This may kill them, it may not. But it is better than having to catch them and try to suffocate them by putting a plastic bag over their little furry heads. Isn’t it? What sort of idea is that, what were you thinking? The story is here [Baby wombat goes mad - Eats Ken Henry] 

Noisy fence destroying monstrosity

Anyway, all these wild beasts ruin fences and eat crops and break stuff just like they’re big packs of Wombat Schoolies, so shooting them is clearly the only option. (And how about all the actual schoolies as well while we’re at it – ahaha I sound like an old person). But this plan only works for the fierce dangerous creatures, how are we going to shoot stuff that isn’t causing any harm at all? Thankfully Premier Brumby is going to start some hunting farms. What is a hunting farm? It’s a farm where you go hunting. Hooray!

In Victoria a number of farms will be allowed to invite people on to them to shoot shit just for fun. The difference between this plan and the terrier who was partially burnt or the cattle dog who was hung from a tree is currently unclear. Oh stop your sooking. The very horrid stories are here, [If a dog dies in the forest does it make a sound?] and also [Free Range? No, Rifle Range!  hahahaaha bang]

Off to Steggles

While all this is happening 80 Long Finned Pilot Whales (Globicephala melas) have viciously stranded themselves on a Tasmanian beach in order to protest the killing of 500 Narwhals who locked themselves out of their house. Why do these people strand themselves? I am sure it’s your fault.

Sad

Nature also is a total arse and the 500 Narwhals would eventually starve or suffocate. They are trapped in the ice and the nearest open water is 50km away. It’s not the same as a kitten trapped in a drain is it? [Tiny Kitty trapped in drain by Satan dedicates life to Jesus] Anyway, they are going to die so the locals are shooting them all and eating them. Someboday has to. 

I have a horn and you do not. I am also delicious.

No, here is a map so it must be true.

Narwhals go here

It is global warming’s fault, the man said so. Here is the article about the Narwhals. [NRMA refuses to attend when 500 Narwhals simultaneously lock their keys in their cars] and this very rude article which I should not have found funny but I did [Fucking Narwhals Yeah]

The Narwhal situation appears to be unrelated to the 150 Quolls who are trapped in Harvey Norman at Warrawong. The nearest exit is at least 15 metres away and the quolls can’t get out due to the the continuous loop of Getaway showing on the plasma screens between them and the door. [Catriona Rowntree's head falls clean off] Also, if they escaped they would be eaten by lazy homeless people waiting outside for a handout.

Here is a related photo (related because it is a quoll).

A quoll on a mossy rock

And here are some other excellent Quoll photos from Andrew Claridge via Rosslyn Beeby – these were taken at night by the tooth fairy with an infrared camera. How good are these quoll photos? They are the goodest.

Is there something down there?

Help! It's the tooth fairy!

So now what do we do?