Santa Kills Venomous Red-Eared Slider Turtle (Trachemys scripta elegans)

A Red-Eared Slider Turtle (Trachemys scripta elegans) has been found by A HOUSEWIFE in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne. “Having eluded authorities since being smuggled into Australia 5 years ago, the “large and exotic” offender was captured by a Melbourne housewife and will be put down.” You can read the whole article here: Turtle leading the resistance against Senator Conroy’s internet filtering regime is put to death to celebrate the Baby Jesus.

Put me down you buffoon! Don't you know who I am?

Now that the Turtle has been captured and tried for crimes against the state it will be destroyed. This same turtle, who like the Sudanese immigrants in this country has been terrorising innocent Aussies with a cynical and highly structured campaign of doing burnouts outside McDonalds restaurants is one of three known Red-Eared Slider turtles living in the Melbourne area.

Gay Sudanese Turtle causes global warming

The other two turtles (there are only two) live in Blackburn lake and an alleged pond near Doncaster respectively wherever that is oh my goodness does Kevin Rudd’s plan to combat homelessnessness include turtles? These turtles are forced to live underwater for much of their lives IN THEIR PYJAMAS!! 

Why do we fear these immigrant reptiles so? Perhaps it is because an adult Red-Eared slider turtle is RAPACIOUS and able to devour 157 times it’s own weight in endangered marsupials and pre-school children EVERY 12 SECONDS. They have no natural predators in this country because all the people who normally eat turtles are cowering under their Senator Conroy Internet Filter themed Doona Covers with matching sheets and pillowcases, terrified that their torrent downloads might be helping paedophiles get away with smuggling reptiles into the country to sell in their pet shops and puppy mills. Closing the pet shops and the zoos and the internet is the only solution.

The Minister for Puppy Mills and Reptile Smuggling

Here at the First Blog On The Moon we say “Don’t kill the turtle, ship it home in a plane (the way it got here in the first place no doubt) at great expense to the Australian Taxpayer! This is because the money would be better used rehoming turtles than wasting it on Clean Coal or propping up the car industry”.

"and now The Dance of the Clinically Depressed Panda Pressing Against The Glass"

You could use the same plane/train/truck/boat/dirigible combination that the Chinese Government is using to ship two Pandas to Taiwan. The Pandas don’t even want to go. I imagine the conversation might go something like this:

 ”Hey Panda, where do you want to go?”

 ”As part of a captive breeding program, I would most like to stay here in the tiny fascist zoo you have locked me up in my entire life. Ideally however, a gentle, structured attempt to release me into the forest to eat bamboo and do Panda stuff would be good, although I do acknowledge it but might not be practical as I have spent  my whole life in this aforementioned tiny fascist zoo”

“How about we pop you in a box with a ribbon on it and ship you off to Taiwan as part of our long weird diplomatic standoff with Taiwan”

“No. Do not want.”

“They have Red-Eared Slider Turtles!”

“Oh Really? Well, that makes it OK then. When do we leave?”

Hey look grass! Just kidding.

And anyway, it’s not the airplanes full of turtles heading for refugee camps that are causing global warming, according to the Pope it is homosexuals. Turtles and otherwise. One might suggest that the problem would be solved if the pandas and the turtles were all gay. One might.