Jesus wept! I just give and give until I have nothing left, and still you vultures demand more!

So here is a picture of a coconut macaroon. Are you happy now?

It has come to this

Here are some more. MORE! It’s a never ending stream of pet photos. Readers’ pets, readers’ pets, readers’ pets. You think I can’t handle all of the photos of Readers’ pets? I laugh at your insignificant quantity of pet photos. You call this too many pet photos? You have seen nothing.

And most importantly they are all adorable. Every single one.

Except for Claire’s dog Anne Hathaway who has no back legs

I have no back legs

And also this one whose name is Katherine Heigl

A two legged dog! I can't bear to look.

Then we have “Roy”. As you can see from this photo he is horribly disfigured, has no legs at all and also a human hand growing out the side of his head! What an abomination he is!  His owner is trying to dull the pain by drinking vodka out of a plastic cup while sitting on top of a hill.

My turn! My turn!

Meanwhile Beyonce is practising for her planned tightrope walk on the clothesline.

A dog with no legs you say? How awful!

And then along comes an animal who is as close to perfect as you could hope for.

Why have you come here earthling?

Unlike this one that appears to be living in the scrub behind the garden shed.

The last thing Michael Jackson saw before he died. True!

Cruelty has many faces…

No really, I love it! I'll wear it to work tomorrow.

Meanwhile…

Hello Firstdog,

Please put me back in my tube.

But if you really want to know how to photograph your pet, look no further than this. This is not an actual reader’s pet because it is a cat from the internet. But you get the idea. Some might suggest this is cruel, others might suggest it is hilarious because they are brutes.

Off with his head!

I found this because I follow @clembastow on Twitter.

This is part of an email Jonathan Green received on Wednesday morning:

…The cartoon was the talk of Ten today and I finally got to see it this evening when i got home after spending 24hrs in Sydney… I loved the cartoon to a huge degree I laughed out loud a number of times reading it …The Mr Toad / Colombian drug lord / super villain thing is strangely familiar and also more worrying feels right…

“Quick Warren, Run Away” is a line I WISH I’d said on the show… Sounds like I need to make a surprise visit to the Crikey offices in the next couple of days just to say thanks…and I think it might be fun to give a certain member of your staff a hug!!!…

And thus the stage was set… My Editor Mr Green in his considerable wisdom decided this visit should be a surprise for his brave cartoonist, but not his deputy editor, a Ms Sophie Black.

Accordingly, as part of his cunning plan, his deputy editor was advised to TELL AN ENORMOUS AND HORRIBLE LIE to the cartoonist. A LIE SO ENORMOUS AND HORRIBLE THAT I CANNOT EVEN TELL YOU WHAT IT WAS. However it was sufficiently fiendish to trick me into going to lunch with her while Matt Preston was smuggled into the building.

While having a delicious lunch at the nearby Satay Hut the LIE was compounded again and again. And then the phone rang and we were summoned back to the office “urgently, we can’t finish lunch, it is an emergency…”. I fell for the whole thing hook, line and sinker. Never again Sophie Black, never again.

On returning to the Crikey Offices I was delighted to find no armaggedonesque scenario playing out, indeed quite the opposite, it was Matt Preston! Ha ha.

Things I can tell you about Matt Preston:

• He is very very tall.
• He is very wide as well, but it is appropriate given his very very tallness.
• He is utterly charming. Just like on the telly but more so.
• He is a fan of Warren the Water Buffalo.
• He wears a cravat at all times. (Not completely sure about that)
• He is my new best friend (not completely sure about that either)

Mr Preston went on to fulfill his promise of hugging Sophie (THIS IN SPITE OF THE FACT THAT SHE IS A LYING LIAR WHO LIES!!!). He also didn’t know it was me who made “Matt Preston the movie” and I am not sure that when he found out he thought that was a good thing or not. I do know he enjoyed it though. I was going to tell him about how when I made the video that I not only had to watch him eating over and over but also repeatedly taking everything back out of his mouth because I had to rewind every shot and it didn’t even bother me a little bit. But I didn’t mention it. Not sure where I am on the stalker scale at this point.

Anyway, he took a bunch of photos with us and gave us a lesson in “How to be photographed with a celebrity” which was lovely, and then he had to go and so he did. He did not promise to take us to dinner or tell us who won Masterchef. This is because he is a gentleman and that is what gentlemen do.

Afterward I was mocked unkindly by my colleagues for being “too cool” and reserved during the visit. Apparently I was supposed to run around with my underpants on my head squealing or some such. They are uncouth and do not understand me.

Note to Crikey colleagues: I hate complicated surprises, even good ones.

And thus ended the visit.

Sophie, Matt and "The Note"

Excellent cravat shot.

Matt and Eleri

One other thing though, I found out afterward that before Mr Preston came into the office, Sophie was having an email conversation with her sister Emma and telling HER all about it. Emma is entirely mad about Mr Preston and based on her absolutely deranged response to the impending visit she might be my favourite member of the Black family:

From: Sophie
Sent: Thursday, 16 July 2009 11:18 AM
To: Emma
Subject: Re: masterchef

Do NOT forward this.

Why isn’t he heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere? He should be here by now!

From: Emma
Sent: Thursday, 16 July 2009 11:120 AM
To: Sophie
Subject: Re: masterchef

FAK FAK FAK FAK FAK FAK FAK FAK

GREAT HONG KONG FLAVOURS OF PURPLE CRAVAT WEARING POLLERCOASTING RIOTS IN MY MOUTH

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

I WANT MY HUG.

I DREAMED ABOUT THE STRIPED PYJAMA ONESIE WITH CRAVAT…THAT HUG IS MINE!!!!!

selfish.

From: Sophie
To: Emma
Subject: Re: masterchef

But he’s not here! I am going to have to NOT go on holiday and then he may not even turn up. this is TORTURE.

He might mean he’ll hug dog. That might be better. Hugging might be awkward.

From: Emma
To: Sophie
Subject: Re: masterchef

From: Sophie
To: Emma
Subject: Re: masterchef

Oh I’m going to go all weird. My heart is beaty

beaty…my legs wont stop doing a chair dance and i’m not even there…do you smell nice…must be prepared for the hug.

From: Sophie
To: Emma
Subject: Re: masterchef

Oymygodhe’sonthephone he’s coming he’s coming

get someone’s phone…INSTANTLY

From: Sophie
To: Emma
Subject: Re: masterchef

I have written the note for him to sign it. stop IT. you are making me more nervous. JG thinks I’m really weird.

he’s bloody weird if he doesn’t get it…

WEIRDo

i NEEEEEEEED HIS CRAVAT….DOES HE HAVE IT ON….SNATCH IT AND TELL HIM I HAVE A TERMINAL ILLNESS AND ITS MY MAKE A WISH FOUNDATION REQUEST.

i make myself sick. but do it.

From: Sophie
To: Emma
Subject: Re: masterchef

I feel sick I have sweaty palms

wipe them on your legs…WIPE THEM ON YOUR LEGS…

GET THE NOTE…GET ITTTTTT

I’M BECOMING HYSTERICAL

_________________

I think that says it all.

No really. It is time for photos of reader’s pets. Send us your photos. Pets only, no people. Email them to me. Don’t make me come around to your house and secretly photograph your animals. Do the right thing and send them in before anyone gets hurt.

We will start with Venise’s cat Walnut

Front of Walnut

Back of Walnut

Feline coveting cat snoop “Fiona” is not allowed to have her own cat. So here is a privacy intruding snap of her neighbour’s cat “Benino”

The unsuspecting Benino

Someone claiming to be “Piers” has sent this photo of Jack taking advantage of Eileen who is obviously drunk. Alcopups!! hahaha I wrote that myself.

Jack and/or Eileen

And a photo I took of our new pet we got from the internet.

My new best friend

I mean you no harm

Here are three pictures of “Roxy” from “Sally”. We may never know what really happened but that green jumper is the bees knees!

The floor is lava

I don't know whether to fight it or have sex with it.

Of course you love me

And this is Pax who is a clearly a dignified and noble beast

Dignified and Noble Beast

So called “Justin” has sent this damming evidence of Owen and Phoebe caught in the act of  having done something unspeakable only moments ago, just out of the frame.

They look guilty because they are.

“Amanda” has sent these photos of “Orly” who is a self confessed cushion pervert.

The cat is the stripey one

Caught in the act with most recent conquest

Someone calling themselves “Steve” obviously has no pets and yet for some reason has sent a number of photographs of horribly disfigured mutants he has cruelly named Cloud, Kingston and Woody.

I am not an animal! For the love of god let me be!

Is that you Mrs Harris? No, wait agggggghhhh

Look darling! The Shamwow! It's possessed!

Dignity, thy name is not Christmas

And here is possibly the most spoilt dog in the world. “Sara” has sent us these photos of her so called “dog” “Bernie”, who not only drives an American Car and has his own private sunbeam but is also allowed to “have his way with the carpet”.

How can you resist me?

Check the hottie! Oh wait, that's me! LOL!

What?

This story is best told in “Jasmine’s” own words: “Mihi was a stray who turned up one day in our student sharehouse slum, but refused to eat left-over spag-bol, so we thought she still had an owner feeding her. I gave her a slightly rediculous name (Mihingaarangi Forbes, after a journo on the tv) and by the time we figured out she lived with us now, the name had stuck. Having named her, I kept her, until I left the country a few years later, when she stayed behind with my ex. He looked after her for many more years until he too left the country, apon which she retired to warmer climes to live with a vet nurse friend of his. Eventually she died of old age, which is not a bad feat for a cat who had been in some sort of accident (car?) leading to an odd walking style, was abandoned, and survived the time I couldn’t afford to take her to the vet so I fed her antibiotics stolen from the lab at uni, mixed up with beef-stock.”

That is a lovely, if somewhat deluded tale, however the real tragedy of this story is that Mihi didn’t eat the left-over spag-bol because she is a tuft of grass.

Not a cat at all

Someone claiming to be “Virginia” has sent in these photos which are problematic for a number of reasons:

1. The black cat is supposedly called “Poot Poot” which is ridiculous and who would do that?

2. There is clearly an earthquake going on and yet “Virginia” endangers herself and her pets by trying to take a photo of “Fluffy” licking her chops.

I would suggest that like the Moon Landings this photo is a cunning fraud.

For my next trick, I will bite my own face off

Here I am in beautiful tropical Mt Martha for a couple days. Just me and my hot water bottle. Sitting in front of the fire and looking out the window a lot. I didn’t even bring the laptop! Just the iphone with it’s adorable little wordpress app. My main concern is that even though I have taken the occasional walk, I have seen not a single beast. Not one. Zero. I have been serenaded by crows ( I am very fond of crows), saw a pigeon or two and some dogs. But no beasts that I would describe as Animals You See While On Holiday. No possums, bunnies, rats or marsupials of any kind. There was a cockroach on a log destined for the fire so I put it out the door (the cockroach, not the log – it was one of those charming native bush roaches not one from the telly). But you wouldn’t even bother blogging about a cockroach unless you were desperate. I know Mt Martha is not the proper bush but there are trees everywhere and the beach and stuff. I mean really, it’s a bit like The Road except it isn’t because there weren’t pigeons in The Road. And I reckon the coffee they got in their post-apocalyptic nightmare was better than the chalky warmish fluid they serve in Mt Martha. However, I digress. The score so far: Concealed Beasts 1, Holidaying Cartoonists 0

I have included some photos including one of the Temple of the Fat Gecko which must have been drawn from memory as there are no geckos of any size in Mt Martha because they do not like the coffee.