tip off
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Paul Revere’s midnight ride, as told by Assassin’s Creed III

The classic poem updated for the bizarre world of mainstream videogames in 2012.

With apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

 

Listen my children and you shall hear:

Of the midnight ride of the assassin Connor Kenway

(and his lesser known accomplice, Paul Revere)

On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-five;

Hardly a man is now alive

Who remembers that famous day and year.

 

Kenway was to ride that night and learn,

That his friend Revere would be on his horse’s rear,

Giving GPS directions in the manner of turn-by-turn

And warning should the redcoats come near.

 

Yet the poor dialogue revealed Ubisoft had forgot;

That no reason for this midnight ride was in the plot,

And Kenway would ride with Paul Revere

For naught but ingrained obligation and fear,

That the setting of Assassin’s Creed III would not be clear.

 

And so our riders went swiftly through the night

With Revere giving directions towards the good fight,

When suddenly, without sure prediction,

It seemed a bug emerged with strong affliction

Revere was stuck helplessly in a dialogue cycle;

“Yes! This is exactly where we need to be!”

“Yes! This is exactly where we need to be!”

“Yes! This is exactly where we need to be!”

“Yes! This is exactly where we need to be!”

 

Our valiant heroes thought all was well

When Revere finally broke from his cry,

But their fain hearts began at once to sigh

When their horse stopped as if frozen to the spot,

It was like the valiant steed had met his own hell,

And found an invisible wall far too high,

To navigate, another bug to add to the lot.

 

So through the night rode Paul Revere;

Stuck to the spot with his cry of alarm

To every Middlesex village and farm,—

A cry of “Yes! This is exactly where we need to be!”, right here,

The invisible wall, to gallop though stuck to the floor,

And words that shall echo for evermore!

For, borne of bugs and poor design at last,

The game was broken, stuck tight and fast,

In the hour of darkness and peril and need,

The Xbox was reset, so as never to hear

The hurrying hoof-beats of that steed,

And the buggy and broken midnight message of Paul Revere.

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  • 1
    James O'Connor @Jickle
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 12:40 pm | Permalink

    Great, Dan. Now do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEM3dW2oWW4

  • 2
    Mr Ak
    Posted November 5, 2012 at 12:42 pm | Permalink

    There once was a Collingwood supporter
    Who liked games a little more than he oughta
    He played Assassin’s Creed
    And has changed now indeed
    Because the game made him a little bit shorter

    (Not what I was going for, but I like that hard left turn into sudden nonsense. I’ll take it.)

  • 3
    Posted November 9, 2012 at 8:57 pm | Permalink

    Snap. It’s this year’s PRESS X TO JASON.

  • 4
    Ruprecht
    Posted November 13, 2012 at 11:55 am | Permalink

    A most eloquent and amusing account.

    Hopefully a patch is coming, a patch is coming.

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