Well, it’s been an interesting couple of weeks for rugby league coaches and soccer managers, and their prickly relationships with the powers-that-be.
First, Melbourne Storm’s Craig Bellamy went ballistic at the suspension of his captain Cameron Smith, spraying all and sundry at the NRL and its judiciary with a poorly aimed blunderbuss. And then incurring the wrath, big-time, of said judiciary.
Then, last week in the UK, Newcastle’s temporary manager Joe Kinnear fired off with what we are confident in saying is the greatest torrent of abuse ever visited upon a hapless bunch of hacks.
We thought we’d seen it all back in the early 1990s when then West Coast Eagles coach Mick Malthouse pinned a journo from the West Australian up against the wall and threatened him with bodily harm after the Eagles had lost a final.
Then there was a vintage Alex Ferguson ‘hairdryer’ tirade at the end of the 2001-02 season when the Manchester United manager was facing his first trophyless season for four years. He took great exception to journalists pointing out that his prize recruit Juan Veron had basically been a waste of space in his first season in English football. ‘’He’s a fucking great player,” Fergie announced triumphantly at a press conference. ‘’Youse are all fucking idiots,” he said, before ordering all the hacks from the room.
But, alongside Kinnear’s performance, Malthouse, Ferguson, Bellamy and anyone else you’d care to mention are proven to be nothing but a bunch of Mormon Tabernacle Choirboys dressed in frilly white shirts.
The following is an edited transcript of Kinnear’s first official press conference last week (which we thank The Guardian for providing) which has redefined the notion of pressure in the workplace – and, in terms of six-star splenetic rants, set the bar at a new, stratospheric level.
(Warning: readers of a sensitive disposition are hereby warned that some of the language which follows may offend. In fact, is bound to offend.)
JK: Which one is Simon Bird [Daily Mirror's north-east football writer]?
SB: Me.
JK: You’re a c**t.
SB: Thank you.
JK: Which one is Hickman [Niall, football writer for the Express]? You are out of order. Absolutely fucking out of order. If you do it again, I am telling you you can fuck off and go to another ground. I will not come and stand for that fucking crap. No fucking way, lies. Fuck, you’re saying I turned up and they [Newcastle's players] fucked off.
SB: No Joe, have you read it, it doesn’t actually say that. Have you read it?
JK: I’ve fucking read it, I’ve read it.
SB: It doesn’t say that. Have you read it?
JK: You are trying to fucking undermine my position already.
SB: Have you read it, it doesn’t say that. I knew you knew they were having a day off.
JK: Fuck off. Fuck off. It’s your last fucking chance.
SB: You read the copy? It doesn’t say that you didn’t know.
JK: What about the headline, you think that’s a good headline?
SB: I didn’t write the headline, you read the copy.
JK: You are negative bastards, the pair of you.
SB: So if I get a new job next week would I take the first day off? No I wouldn’t. If I get a new job should I call my boss and tell him I am taking the first day off?
JK: It is none of your fucking business. What the fuck are you going to do? You ain’t got the balls to be a fucking manager. Fucking day off. Do I want your opinion. Do I have to listen to you?
SB: No, you can listen to who you want.
JK: I had a 24-hour meeting with the entire staff.
SB: Joe, you are only here six weeks, you could have done that on Sunday, or Saturday night.
JK: No, no, no. I didn’t want to do it. I had some other things to do.
SB: What? More important things?
JK: What are you? My personal secretary? Fuck off.
SB: You could have done the meeting Saturday night or Sunday. You could have had them watching videos, you could have organised them.
JK: I was meeting the fucking chairman the owner, everyone else. Talking about things.
SB: It is a valid point that was made in there. A valid point.
JK: I can’t trust any of you.
Niall Hickman: Joe, no one could believe that on your first day at your new club, the first-team players were not in. No one could believe it in town. Your first day in the office.
JK: My first day was with the coaches. I made the decision that I wanted to get as much information out of them.
NH: But why Monday, no one could believe it?
JK: I’m not going to tell you anything. I don’t understand where you are coming from. You are delighted that Newcastle are getting beat and are in the state they are? Delighted, are you?
NH: Certainly not. No one wants to see them get beaten, why would we?
JK: I have done it before. It is going to my fucking lawyers. So are about three others. If they can find something in it that is a court case it is going to court. I am not fucking about. I don’t talk to fucking anybody. It is raking up stories. You are fucking so fucking slimy you are raking up players that I got rid of. Players that I had fallen out with. You are not asking Robbie Earle, because he is sensible. You are not asking Warren Barton? No. Because he is fucking sensible. Anyone who had played for me for 10 years at any level … [but] you will find some c**t that …
Other journalist: How long is your contract for Joe?
JK: None of your business.
SB: Well it is actually, because we cover the club. The club say you are here to the end of October, then you say six to eight games which would take it to the end of November. We are trying to clarify these issues. We are getting no straight answers from anyone. How long are you here for. It is a dead simple question. And you don’t know …
JK: I was told the length of contract. Then I was told that possibly the club could be sold in that time. That is as far as I know. That’s it finished. I don’t know anything else. But I have been ridiculed. He’s trying to fucking hide, he’s trying to do this or that.
(Later….)
Steve Brenner (football writer for the Sun): We are all grown men and can come in here and sit around and talk about football, but coming in here and calling people c**ts?
JK: Why? Because I am annoyed. I am not accepting that. If it is libellous, it is going to where I want it to go.
Newcastle Press Officer: What has been said in here is off the record and doesn’t go outside.
Journalist: Well, is that what Joe thinks?
JK: Write what you like. Makes no difference to me. Don’t affect me I assure you. It’ll be the last time I see you anyway. Won’t affect me. See how we go at Everton and Chrissy [Chris Hughton, assistant manager] can do it, someone else can do it. Don’t trust any of yous. I will pick two local papers and speak to them and the rest can fuck off. I ain’t coming up here to have the piss taken out of me. I have a million pages of crap that has been written about me. I’m ridiculed for no reason. I’m defenceless. I can’t get a point in, I can’t say nothing, I can’t do nothing, but I ain’t going to be negative. Then, half of you, most of you are trying to get into the players. I’m not going to tell you what the players think of you, so then you try and get into them in some way or another, so I’ve got a split camp or something like that, something like that. It’s ongoing. It just doesn’t stop.
Journalist: It’s only been a week.
JK: Exactly. It feels more like a year.
Journalist: It’s early days for you to be like this.
JK: No, I’m clearing the air. And this is the last time I’m going to speak to you. You want to know why, I’m telling you. This is the last time. You can do what you like.
(Later …)
Journalist: Today we’ll print the absolute truth, that you think we’re c**ts, we can all fuck off and we’re slimy. Is that fair enough?
JK: Do it. Fine. Fucking print it. Am I going to worry about it? Put in also that it’ll be the last time I see you. Put that in as well. Good. Do it.
Press Officer: Come on, let’s go football.
Journalist: What are your plans for training in the next three days? How’s the training going?
JK: It’s going very well. No problems at all.
Journalist: Enjoyed getting back in the swing of things?
JK: Absolutely. I’ve loved every moment of it.
