Too nice by half – the real reason Australia is losing

Can someone tell me what’s going on here? Matthew Hayden praising the one-time ’obnoxious little weed’ Harbhajan Singh, the Australian cricketers engaging in some kind of love-in with the Indians and, in the first International Rules match in Perth on Saturday, the Australian players helping the Irish players up off the ground and giving them a friendly pat on the back.

I mean, what the? Why is everyone decked out in green and gold being so damn nice? I’m sorry but this is taking the spirit of Marquess of Queensberry too far. There’s obviously a time and place for fair play, just as long as it’s not when Australia’s playing. This is just not how we do sport. In fact, it’s distinctly un-Australian. So foreign is this behaviour to long-term watchers of Australian teams that they’re rubbing their eyes in disbelief, and holding their spectacles up to the sunlight wondering if they’ve been despoiled by a passing bird.

Australian sportsmen chosen to represent their country have a certain duty to conform to age-old traditions. And that means swearing, sledging, abusing umpires, carrying on like a pork chop, not giving the opposition an inch and, of course, going the biff. 

Forget the Miss Congeniality and Mr Nice Guy stuff, that’s for wimps.

Hayden started the trouble when he said that Harbhajan had shown “exceptional” conduct so far in this Test series. “For me, someone like Harbhajan has been exceptional in this trip. I think he has been passionate without being overboard at all,” said the Australian opener.

Hayden did not even seem to mind Harbhajan’s wild celebrations after trapping him lbw in Australia’s second innings at Mohali. “Why wouldn’t he? If I was bowling I would be doing exactly the same thing. I am planning on doing the same thing. I harbour no resentment or hard feelings at all about anyone on the Indian side. It’s good competitive, hard cricket.”

In Perth, Campbell Brown’s shirtfront of his Irish opponent – which earned the Australian a send-off – was the only decent bit of ‘physicality’ in the game. Normally, the ground during these games is littered with the broken bodies of whippet-thin Irish amateurs. Not this time, though. The two teams even went out for dinner together afterwards, for goodness sake. One wonders what Brown’s dad, Big Bad Mal, thought of all this conviviality while sitting up in the stands. He probably broke out in hives.

It is, of course, no coincidence that the Aussies were flogged in the Second Test in Mohali and then Mick Malthouse’s International Rules team were knocked off by the Irish in Perth. No coincidence at all.

Because no good will come of this, I’m telling you. I want to see more cussing and cursing in the Third Test starting tomorrow in New Delhi, and the second International Rules match in Melbourne on Friday. I want to see more anger, unpleasantness and nastiness. Oh, and bring back the biff, too. Then we’ll see who’s boss.