The Jock Wrap: Behold the purple love mist (oooh and a caption comp!)
What a week in sport! Further proof the Apocalypse is heading our way as Fremantle, yes Fremantle, continued its winning ways. Meanwhile First Dog on the Moon is on holidays, swanning around on his day bed. Yet the great man still has time to produce this week’s Jock Wrap with Crikey’s Production Manager Leigh Josey.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Sexy pants Leigh Josey and the purple love mist! Yeah Ooh ahh Baby baby ooh! squeak
Leigh Josey: Ha! OK, Let’s do this…
Firstdog Onthemoon: I have already started!
Leigh Josey: OK Then! A very Freo-ish start to this week’s Jock Wrap. Never know what you’re going to get. So, good morning First Dog on the Moon. I applaud you for taking time out on your well earned holiday break to do this week’s Jock Wrap. How are you mate?
Firstdog Onthemoon: I am filled with the purple light of love for you my dear friend, Mrs Josey’s little boy! All the Freomaniacs must be pant burstingly gleeful — that place in Western Australia or wherever it is they come from with their mauve anchors and their terrible song. We take it all back! Of course it is going to end in tears, put that down! You might injure yourself!
Leigh Josey: Taking it one week at a time. All about the process. Committed as a team. Going forward.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Hahahah no. You are all going to die! The four purple horseman of the Apocalypse! The return of the Wizard! Perth destroyed in a plague of boiling toads. It is impossible and stop pretending that you don’t run around at home in a purple velour posing pouch screaming Yo Heave Ho at the top of your lungs and frightening the neighbours!
Leigh Josey: You texted me last night after the game. I told you I had a migraine. I wasn’t lying. That’s what happens when the deplorable excuse for a football team you’ve followed passionately (bordering on a sickness) since you were a kid, and you are watching them, and then you suddenly realise you’re actually good, for the first time ever, and something pops in your brain — because you are happy. Hence the migraine. I might have had a few beers too. And I was wearing purple.
Firstdog Onthemoon: I hope it is not terminal. Imagine if you … no let’s not go there. Let us ponder nicer things like Barry Hall’s head.
Leigh Josey: Indeed. A well rounded six goal head. I trust you were at Etihad yesterday for the Bulldogs vs. Hawks game?
Firstdog Onthemoon: I was there yes.
Leigh Josey: Have a good time?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes
Leigh Josey: What’s with the curt responses about your beloved Bulldogs? Not happy with how things are progressing? Or is the lid firmly on?
Firstdog Onthemoon: It was a hoot. Mr Hall is my new best friend. It was one of the games where we should have destroyed them and we didn’t. We kicked 9 (nine) NINE points in the third quarter. I was never really worried except at a few points where I was a bit worried.
Leigh Josey: Does Barry know this? We should set up a meeting between Barry and you. I’ll come along so it won’t be awkward … for Barry.
Firstdog Onthemoon: No. I am sure a lot of people are Barry Hall’s new best friend.
Leigh Josey: OK, moving on. Interesting to see that North Queensland coach Neil Henry say that rugby leagues players would be lucky to have a ten year career with the way the game is played, its pace, its collisions, and the resulting injuries. I’m not sure how you remedy this.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Wrap everyone in a doona. Or padding like in the NFL. Or play in waist deep water. Or on the moon where there is less gravity. Have only one guy on each team. The trouble with modern sports administrators is that they refuse to think outside the box. I mean, think of the television rights for a game of rugby league in which there are only two guys wrapped in doonas and wearing helmets while playing in waist deep water on the moon! It would be huge! I know I would watch.
Leigh Josey: Gold. I think NRL boss David Gallop should be worried about his job with you around. What about a caption contest? Cronulla coach Ricky Stuart is under the pump. Crikey Sports blogger Nick Tedeschi wrote a great article about him last week. The Sharks were pumped by Manly on the weekend. Today’s Daily Telegraph has the below picture on its back page. What’s Ricky Stuart thinking First Dog?
Firstdog Onthemoon: “When I catch those pricks who superglued my hands to my forehead I’m gonna fucking kill them.”
Leigh Josey: Fantastic Dog. Here’s a comp for our Crikey Sports readers. We’ll have a caption comp! Enter your caption for what Ricky Stuart is thinking in the comments below. First Dog will pick a winner. The winner will get something. Probably a free subscription or something. So Dog, Phil Mickelson. He’s a champ. He won his Third Masters this morning. I’m glad Tiger didn’t win it.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah caption comp. No fart jokes! Don’t waste a sub on them though, they can have some of those crappy stickers we made. And yes — that one golf guy didn’t win, one of the other ones did. Freaky! I suppose the question is, was it all the extracurricular rooting that made Tiger the golfer he is/was. Or was it the discovery of his horizontal hooha flappery above and beyond the call of duty that made him into the golfer he now was/is? In other words, does the doing of the illicit jiggery pokery make you a better golfer or getting caught for getting caught in a water hazard make you a worser one? Or neither. Is it over for Tigger? Only Christopher Robin knows for sure.
Leigh Josey: I couldn’t have put it better. Underreported sport of the week?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Hoopity
Leigh Josey: Hoopity?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes Hoopity. Interestingly, Hoopity is in fact a variation on one of our previously mentioned Underreported Sports of the Week, Custardgammon. Hoopity (or to give it its formal title — Hoopity) is like Custardgammon except that instead of a small dog you throw an envelope filled with ants into the bucket of moths. Much harder as ant filled envelopes tend to be far more flappity.
Leigh Josey: Scandal! I’m going for Sports Stadium demolition derby — courtesy of very cool sports blog Deadspin. 39 year old Texas Stadium was demolished and there’s something cathartic about watching something explode. It’s like that Simpsons episode that had Bart and Homer hooting to an episode of “when buildings collapse.”
Firstdog Onthemoon: That Simpson’s thing is hilarious. And when I grow up, I want a job as a TV news reporter so that I too can do moronic commentary at stadium demolitions. Seriously though, don’t put links to other sports blogs, that will only confirm what people are secretly thinking which is that this blog is shite.
Firstdog Onthemoon: But we still have to talk about the gay thing and Mick Malthouse
Leigh Josey: OK. Mick Malthouse. If people were living under a rock he apologised for calling Saints player Stephen Milne a “fucking rapist”, which he had earlier denied. At first I thought it could have been worse and he was labelling Milne a papist (my lip reading skills are somewhat lacking). Anyway, everyone’s upset. What are your thoughts Mr Dog?
Firstdog Onthemoon: I think everyone who plays football is very rude.
Firstdog Onthemoon: Also, I think it is hilarious that Milne allegedly called a Paul Licuria a “f***ing f***ot” during the AFL It’s OK to be Gay week. Sporting culture is pretty vile and while it mirrors what is happening in the community more broadly it also shines a bright beacon of hope for misogynists and homophobes everywhere and Saturday night was an excellent example. It would have been better if someone had called Milne a “f***ng rapist c**t” and then the circle would have closed and Etihad would have disappeared up its own cloaca with a bright purple flash and a sprinkling of fairy dust and then a little tinkling sound. Like what is going to happen to Freo any week now…
Leigh Josey: Excellent point I think Mr Dog. Except for the Freo thing. Sportsperson of the week?
Firstdog Onthemoon: Johnny “The Doc” Docker for coming out and finally admitting what we knew all along, that he is Ricky Martin
Leigh Josey: Ha! I’m nominating Argentinean football sensation and Barcelona star Lionel Messi. It’s about time the name Lionel had a renaissance. Thanks for your time Dog, enjoy your holidays.
Firstdog Onthemoon: I will certainly enjoy my holidays except I will have to spend the rest of the week preparing (as I do each week) for next week’s Jock Wrap. Because as they say, an unprepared for Jock Wrap is like getting a slap in the face with a wet game of four quarters at the end of the day and I think there is something in that for all of us.