It’s Friday Thursday which can only mean one thing: Lethal and Cow talking footy, with special guest and big Bombers man Al Soutaris all the way from Cambodia. This week the lads talk the Essendon/Geelong boilover, expat footy in South-East Asia and bemoan the lack of an AFL state-of-origin series.

Also Lethal and Cow honour Derryn Hinch’s new liver by introducing a new Shame File segment.

You can listen to it on our podcast site here.

Or listen via the stream below:

And here are this week’s tips:

*Bye: Dees, Dockers, Crows.

This week it’s an all AFL podcast as Lethal, Cow and First Dog discuss the players dispute and what it means for WAGs, Callan Ward moving to GWS and Jeff Kennett’s golliwog collection (yes really).

You can listen to it on our podcast site here.

Or listen via the stream below:

And here are this week’s tips:

Fresh from a well-deserved one week break (these podcasts are hard work) The Jock Wrap is back for its second episode!

You can listen to it on our podcast site here.

Or listen via the stream below:

Join your hosts Lethal, Cow and First Dog (this time from the salubrious Studio Six) for their irreverent take on the week in sport.

In this week’s episode of Jock Wrap, the lads discuss the week’s AFL games, Queesland’s efforts to save Johnathan Thurston and whether it’s “un-Australian” to badmouth Lleyton Hewitt.

It’s been a long time between drinks for Crikey Sports’ chief protagonists First Dog on the Moon and myself. So much so that we asked our Editor Sophie Black if we could go to a cool bar to produce this week’s Jock Wrap. And that we did. We were so excited we even made a new banner! As you may notice we don’t have a sponsor. So if you happen to be the VP of Lion Nathan or Carlton Breweries and want to plow First Dog and I with unquantifiable amounts of amber gold, please contact Leigh Josey at ljosey@crikey.com.au. Anyway…

Leigh Josey: First Dog! How are you old son!? It’s been too long! Here we are at Bertha Brown (plug may or may not be intended)  on Flinders Street in Melbourne, pints in hand. This is how the Jock Wrap should roll.

Firstdog Onthemoon: I’m well Lethal. It’s good to be back in the saddle! And it’s good to be here at Bertha Brown’s, where ever that is of course. It is where we are so it is the place to be. Except for that weird guy over there in the corner who doesn’t look like he belongs anywhere.

Leigh Josey: Is that Aker?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Not this time, but if there was ever a bloke who didn’t get the message, it was our Jason. Or Jason who was formerly ours. What a kerfuffle.

Leigh Josey: Indeed. For whoever is left from our readership, there’s a reason we have been absent. First you were in Bali and then I was in Thailand. We missed so much — such as Akergate. How was your holiday?

Firstdog Onthemoon: There is another reason which is that you are lazy and unreliable. Also you have been mouthing off so we are going to need you to spend a couple of nights in a homeless shelter with Sam Newman. Anyway. Bali was a hoot. I patted an elephant and got gastro.

Leigh Josey: Lazy? Yes. But it’s hard to motivate oneself when you know Michael Barlow is sitting somewhere, rocking himself to sleep, crying. Do you know I asked Fremantle if they wanted my fibula and tibia? Didn’t go down so well…

Firstdog Onthemoon: Oh yeah that player on that team that we beat by how much was it again? 100 points? 1000? And then there were the Blues and we can smell them on the way and North and … Anyway mustn’t get ahead of myself.

The big news for the football calendar is that the Western Bulldogs have given in principle informal approval to International Ben Hudson Beard Appreciation Day which will take place at the Dogs’ round 22 game against the Bombers. Everyone is being asked to get behind the beard and wear an official Ben Hudson beard! Proceeds will go to the official charity, “beards for babies” which raises money for underprivileged kiddies.

Leigh Josey: Sweet! Good news. I can’t remember the Freo/Doggies game. I was in a Bangkok hotel nursing a hangover and sporting a new tattoo. I’m glad that your beard day is happening. And you didn’t even need to have Mark McInnes crack onto you for it to happen.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes. That is a nice tatt. Pity they spelt “Pavlich” wrong. Yes cheap beer and interesting sewerage systems. Anyway, Aker disgraced himself. The dogs redeemed themselves by flogging your lot and we move on to the next footy story which is the interchange limit. Or Julia and Barry: a love story.

Leigh Josey: Can’t we combine both?

Firstdog Onthemoon: No. I won’t have the mutual appreciation between the two most important players in their respective fields sullied by your grubby innuendo.

Leigh Josey: Hmmm. We know the Dogs and Julia are sensitive subjects for you. How’s about we catch up on almost two months of sport in the lamest way possible: word association. Here we go … Mark Webber?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Car guy.

Leigh Josey: The Gold Coast suns?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Giant sphincter.

Leigh Josey: Ha! It’s your buy by the way. The NRL season?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes, apparently.

Leigh Josey: The Rabbitohs?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Rabbits! I love rabbits. There’s this video with a bunny and a pussycat I have to show you:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Leigh Josey: How lovely. Spain winning the world cup?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Wouldn’t that be nice. It’s been ages the poor things. If it wasn’t for that stupid German octopus.

Leigh Josey: The Kiwis thrashing us in the Bledisloe cup?

Firstdog Onthemoon:

Ringa pakia!
Uma tiraha!
Turi whatia!
Hope whai ake!
Waewae takahia kia kino!

Ka mate, ka mate
Ka ora’ Ka ora’
Ka mate, ka mate
Ka ora’ Ka ora’

Tēnei te tangata pūhuruhuru
Nāna i tiki mai whakawhiti te rā
A Upane! Ka Upane!
Upane Kaupane’
Whiti te rā,!
Hī!

Leigh Josey: Did you write that yourself?

Firstdog Onthemoon: The hairy man the hairy man.

Leigh Josey: Ok then. What about the AFL? If you were Andrew Demetriou would you be happy with this season?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I would be happy with no huge umpire controversy and I would be happy with the top four teams being so even. I would be happy with the expansion plans even though nobody else is. But most of all I would be happy with the giant pile of money I roll around in when I get home every night.

Leigh Josey: Indeed. Let’s turn to the election briefly. If you wanted to beat Christopher Pyne in the seat of Sturt which sportsperson would you choose to parachute in to beat him?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Whoever won the world parachute championship. That shit is dangerous!

Leigh Josey: I think it’s this guy:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Leigh Josey: Uh ha. Ok sports person of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: The People’s Beard, and I should warn you that it will be the People’s Beard until the end of the Home and Away season unless Alf dies and Marilyn gets cancer.

Leigh Josey: Cool. I’m picking Tony Abbott. See him at bouncing the footy at Windy Hill? The girl’s got game.

Firstdog Onthemoon: He was awful. You are a disgrace. I’m starting a book on who goes first, you or Matthew Knights.

Leigh Josey: I’ll take $50 on me.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Me too. One last thing: did you see the photo of Nicola Riewoldt’s arse in the Herald Sun today? Let’s end there:

Leigh Josey: Yeah. Terrible work by the Hun. Underreported sport of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: It certainly is.

Leigh Josey: Awesome. For me it’s Grudgematch 5. Ex pat Dockers and Eagles supporters playing one game a year in Melbourne (disclosure: I am the vice captain of the Fitzroy Dockers). The Fitzroy Dockers beat the East Coast Eagles by one point. We have won three years in a row. Cheers to my skipper Clint Lubke and best on ground for us, Benno. Commiserations to Eagles skipper Gavin “Stash” Ashley. That’s what I am talking about.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes, but who kicked the winning goal? Crikey‘s answer to Mark “Jacko” Jackson that’s who! Mr Josey’s little boy Lethal. Well that makes you the sportsperson of the week in my book Mr Josey. We’re all very proud.

Leigh Josey: It’s a team game my friend. Anyway been a pleasure as always Dog. Do you think Sophie (our Editor) will let us go to the pub every week to do this?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Who? I run my own race to use a sporting analogy. I’d like to see those apologists for main stream media mediocrity try and stop me! You maybe, but pas moi!

Leigh Josey: Until next time…

Leigh Josey: Good Morning First Dog, and Happy Winter! I trust you are well.

Firstdog Onthemoon: I’m a bit down actually Lethal — I’ve had to cut back my media commitments for a few weeks and it looks like I’ll be playing in the twos when I come back from my mysterious hamstring injury. It’s been a difficult time, but at least I’m not gay.

Leigh Josey: You know what? I think the whole Akermanis thing was blown up out of all proportion. Richmond won for the first time since 1975 and all the AFL world can talk about is Aker this, Aker that. Sorry to say this Dog, and I love Aker, but I think he is shit now anyway and not in your best 22. There, I’ve said it.

Firstdog Onthemoon: All lies. You are the Israeli Defense Force of Sports Commentary. The problem was Aker lied to the playing group — it had all been put to bed until they found out he told a porky. I reckon he’ll be back. But who knows what it will look like. And Richmond won their annual game? Big whoop. As I said in my hilarious cartoon the other day, they are still a mathematical possibility to finish 9th. They certainly sang the song with gusto — Richo was beaming on the telly! Unlike James Kelly at the Cats — what an arrogant piece of work. Dangerous to give other teams something to get in a flap about.

Leigh Josey: Talking about Israel … Israel Folau? Interesting reactions all round. If you get some time have a read here and here at two of the bigger NRL fan forums. The Daily Tele is going nuts. What do you think First Dog?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I think Maggie Beer was adorable on MasterChef last night. And that Radicchio Braise looked delicious. I don’t even like Radicchio!

Leigh Josey: Insightful. I want to touch on two more thing AFL before moving on. One, Fremantle. My boys are in superb touch and this season is travelling like a dream. It was priceless watching Craig Hutchison squeal on the little watched Footy Classified as he attempted to apologise after saying, pre season, that Freo would struggle and Harvey would be sacked as coach. Secondly, Richmond. The rendition of Tigerland by the Richmond players and coach after winning their first game of the season last week against Port Adelaide was something to behold. I loved it.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Did I mention I got an iPad?

Leigh Josey: That’s excellent news. If you missed it (if you’re an iPadless pleb unlike First Dog) Australia’s women’s football team, the Matildas, beat North Korea in the AFC Women’s Asian Cup. For a neutral perspective I went to North Korea’s official government controlled news service the KCNA. This is what they said:

The DPRK women’s football team finished runner-up in the AFC Women’s Asian Cup 2010, thus qualifying for the 2011 Women’s World Cup to be held in Germany.

The May 30 finals between the DPRK and Australian teams ended with a penalty kick following 1-1 draw.

No mention of the actual final score. How delicious.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yes — speaking of North Korean media — did you see the story Fairfax are running on the front page of their website? Some magazine decided the MCG was the 14th best stadium in the world and some shit stadium a year old in somewhereelseland is the best. How about a nice refreshing cool drink of go away why would I care about that? And people wonder why newspapers are dying. It is because their iPad app is shit that’s why.

Leigh Josey: We should make a Jock Wrap iPad app.

Firstdog Onthemoon: WE SHOULD! We could charge $8.99 a month like the AFL Telstra abomination. Even if we only did the Jock Wrap twice a year it would be better.

Leigh Josey: Ha! Watch the NRL state of origin last week? Queensland are too strong. I don’t think the Blues can come back from here.

Firstdog Onthemoon: I watched some of it. But Queensland are superior, what is this now six in a row? They should make it more interesting by selecting the teams like they do in Primary School. Two captains and they take it in turns choosing players until that one guy who is picked last is humiliated and laughed at and suffers low self esteem and gets into his pyjamas as soon as he gets home from school because why would you bother. Did I say that out loud?

Leigh Josey: And the Bulls beat the Stormers in the Super 14 final. It was an all South African affair. New Zealand and Australian teams didn’t make it.

Firstdog Onthemoon: You know, I don’t think I would ever watch Women’s soccer. I don’t watch Men’s soccer either. In fact I am more likely to watch Women’s soccer than Men’s soccer but I don’t watch either.

Leigh Josey: Hmmm. I’m sure your iPad and you will have fun this month when everyone is watching the World Cup. Mark Webber. He’s the Fremantle of Formula One racing. He should have won the Turkish Grand Prix but his teammate Sebastian Vettel screwed it up for him. Now Red Bull’s Helmut Marko is saying it was Webber’s own fault. Geez F1 can get bitchy.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Are the Bulls a rugby team?

Leigh Josey: Yes. Yes they are. A Rugby Union team.

Firstdog Onthemoon: How are they going?

Leigh Josey: They won. Here’s a rugby app for your iPad. Now you can be kept up to date. Now sportsperson of the week. I believe we’ve agreed, for the first time, to nominate the same person. is that correct?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Ooh yes — by miles and miles. And there is nothing nepotistic about it at all. He is a true legend of the game of the game, or at least would be if he had ever played it.

Leigh Josey: Indeed. You see, dear reader, this week’s sportsperson of the week goes to Melbourne independent radio station RRR’s Breakfasters co-host Ben Birchall, who is also the husband of Crikey editor Sophie Black. Ben has been called up to play in the Community Cup — an Aussie Rules football game played for charity featuring all sorts of wonderful people. Now we have it, on some authority, that Ben hasn’t kicked a ball in anger since under 13s where he didn’t get a touch. Nada. Doughnuts. But he did get his profile in a local football magazine:

What say you First Dog?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I love him. Even if I didn’t know who he was I would be so inspired by his choice of Mexicana as his favourite food that he would become my favourite community based never played before footballer ever. When I get my face painted at the game it will be his number I get on both cheeks. Once I find out what number it is. If they get numbers.

I have never been (a fact that causes me a modicum of shame which I have already gotten over) but you know, this particular game jumped the shark after a: Robert Murphy wrote about it and b: I missed it that one time when it was still cool so I didn’t need to make up for not going because it wasn’t any more or at least that is what I told myself but now I shall be there leaning drunkenly over the fence screaming “Get a kick Birchall you flog!!” remembering all the while that it is a family day.

Leigh Josey: I’ll be there with you mate. Birchall, your biggest fans are right here. First Dog, underreported sport of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Well this is a huge coincidence, but this week it is Birchall Ball which is an ancient English sport played by the Vikings when they discovered Mexico. Two teams of 11 players line up and preheat the oven to 200°C. Heat oil in a non-stick frying pan over medium heat. Cook onion for 2 minutes, or until soft. Add mince. Cook, stirring with a wooden spoon, for 5 minutes or until browned. Add kidney beans, chilli powder, seasoning, tomato paste and water. Reduce heat to medium-low. Simmer for 5 minutes, or until thick. Stir through coriander. Arrange corn chips on a heatproof plate. Top with mince. Sprinkle with cheese. Bake for 15 minutes, or until hot. Top with salsa, avocado and sour cream. Serve.

Firstdog Onthemoon: The winner is the team with the most tostitos.

Leigh Josey: Brilliant. Birchall  Ball it is. First Dog — have a lovely week and please please don’t stalk Maggie Beer.

Firstdog Onthemoon: I shall try – but no promises – mmmmmmm pheasant pie….

Firstdog Onthemoon: HHHAAAAAALLLLYYYYYYYY HHHHAAAALLLLYYYYYY — He might be a thug Brad Scott but he’s our thug! You are a disgrace Scott Thompson 16 who are you anyway nobody that’s who what a weak act — you are a disgrace — pushing over a bloke when he’s tying his shoelaces is that how you want to play football is that how you want to be remembered as Mr Brave Underwear? Number 16? He’s the guy who pissed everyone off when North were shit for that whole time. He’s the guy who made Steven Milne look like everyone’s favourite guy — and as for you Brad Scott — if your team want to play like that go right ahead – look at the scoreboard you moppet 70 points and we took our foot off the pedal in the last quarter because we are soft – but not mentally weak like you shinboneheads — Arch would be turning in his grave if he was dead what a pack of low mongrels and now Thompson comes out and is all “ooh I thought I was going to faint because of mean Mr Hall and his headlock after I bravely pushed him over and tried to run away when he was tying his shoelaces” what a brave fellow and WHERE WERE THE UMPIRES — GIESCHEN YOU FLOG THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!! If Hall goes for this it is open season on forwards — you can’t blame north for treating Barry Hall like Barry Hall if they choose to play the man and not the ball, if they want to play their football in the gutter like slime covered quivering cheating slimes they can but the umpires can’t single out Hall as someone who gets less frees than that glittery sprinkled princess Divewoldt who swans about like he has helium up his arse and if you go near him he bursts into tears and gets a penalty because someone looked at him the wrong way — but no you can belt Barry Hall in the kidneys like a mongrel dog all day long and no one cares because it’s not democracy, it’s not football, its fascism and the TERRORISTS HAVE ALREADY WON!!!!

Leigh Josey: …hmmm … Morning First Dog. Needed to get that off your chest?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I feel much better now

Leigh Josey: I’d hope so! I was in a good mood until I found out that the chick that Geena Davis played in that shit movie with Tom hanks, A League of their Own, died. Her name was Dorothy Kamenshek. I can’t believe that movie was based on a true story.

Firstdog Onthemoon: You see the problem is that in spite of years of feminism and the hard work of pioneers like Dorothy Kamenshek and Betty Friedan and Carmen Lawrence, we still have a propensity in the mainstream media to refer to women as chicks. Shame on you. I should arrange for Pat Gash and Kitty Von Krusher from the Victorian Women’s Roller Derby to come around to your house and punch your face in except that I don’t actually know them and they frighten me.

Leigh Josey: So how was the Roller Derby?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Man, those chicks were hot! It was an entirely excellent spectacle. A fierce battle between the Dolls Au Go Go and last year’s Champions the Dead Ringer Rosies (who appear to be the Hawthorn of the competition as they are now rubbish).

Thousands of hipsters and hotrod enthusiasts were packed uncomfortably into Puckhandlers Stadium in distant Reservoir (it is unfortunate because this venue is simply not suitable for the success of Roller Derby — it really needs to be in a venue with actual seating and that is closer to my house).

Me and my posse of nervous older lesbians had a marvellous time even though it was a one sided contest. The Dolls got off to a flying start and never looked back, the final scoreline being something like 170 to 70. I could explain the rules but I won’t. There is audible commentary and the referees are almost as entertaining as the contest.

Suffice to say, it is an excellent spectator sport which combines the theatrics of professional wrestling, the hepness of enormous angry women on skates and genuine physical skill and hardness into a gripping contest. Also the queues for beer and hot chips were not too long at all. Win!

Also there is a constant metal soundtrack and the halftime entertainment was a guy in a baboon suit doing air guitar renditions of hard rock classics. It could not have been better if I invented it myself.

(click to enlarge this crappy photo that First Dog took with his iPhone)

Leigh Josey: Sounds like good clean family fun. Meanwhile (LJ: and thanks to Crikey’s own wonderful Amber Jamieson who pointed this out to me and I forgot to credit her. Thanks AJ) , is this not the greatest front page of a newspaper you have ever seen? (according to First Dog … gross picture alert!)

It was in Saturday’s New York Post. Fancy a caption competition First Dog?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Caption competition? If you like — but no fart jokes. Fart jokes are banned from all caption competitions that I have any association with ever. I would possibly suggest something like “Barry Hall responds to being pushed over while tying his shoe laces.”

Leigh Josey: Hmmm. OK. Moving on. Australia plays New Zealand in our last match before the World Cup tonight at the MCG. It’ a “friendly” but any sport involving us vs. the kiwis is always anything but friendly. It’s New Zealand for God’s sake! This is a lose lose match for us. We must crush them 12-0. Your thoughts?

Firstdog Onthemoon: My money is on the All Blacks — I love those guys. Will they do the Haka?

Click here to view the embedded video.

Leigh Josey: I don’t know — they are called the All Whites though not the All Blacks though so who knows. Might be lame if they do the Haka.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Perhaps they could do something like this then…

Click here to view the embedded video.

Leigh Josey: Indeed. State of Origin 1 this week in rugby league. NSW vs. Queensland. Cockroaches vs. Cane Toads. XXXX vs. Tooheys. I’m tipping NSW — oh and Ricky Stuart just quit as Cronulla coach.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Did he? Rat jumping a stinking shark? I love state of origin — looking forward to hoping that the blues will win but they won’t. I can’t imagine why anyone would support the moroons I don’t even know how to pronounce it. And neither do they I reckon.

Leigh Josey: I think people with two first names are doomed to failure. Like Kent Kingsley and John Howard. Meanwhile, I found this article today in the NY Times. Apparently Broadcast Rights for the FIFA World Cup are expensive and “In some countries, if you want to watch all the matches, you may have to make a lifestyle change: either you will have to buy a pay-TV subscription or you may have to go to a bar.” Who are these countries that don’t watch sport in a bar? We should go to war with them.

Firstdog Onthemoon: A lifestyle change? Grow a beard I say, chicks dig them and you have somewhere safe to put baby birds and small mammals.

Leigh Josey: Hmmm. Your Underreported sport of the week? I’m thinking sailing. It’s been ages since someone did anything in that sport. Some young school girl should try and sail around the globe.

Firstdog Onthemoon: No.

Leigh Josey: Then what get’s your gong this week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Roller Derby! No seriously, it should be huge! At the moment it just the province of rockabillies and well meaning hep cats and freaks and small g goths. They really should be running it at Rod Laver or some big proper stadium kind of thing with screens and so on. Keep it volunteer because that keeps it real, man, but get some money behind it. It is nice that it is hardcore local at the moment but it is too good not to share. And anyway all those groovers can say “I was there at the beginning”.

Leigh Josey: I think that’s something we’d all like to see. Sportsperson of the Week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: It is a toss up between Punani Tsunami (on loan to the Dolls Au Go Go from the Toxic Avengers apparently) who can be seen in the photo below stealing a bag of twisties from a small child and eating them and laughing ahahahhah. Or Barry Hall who bravely did not kill anyone this week and should be commended. The envelope please…. yes it’s Punani Tsunami who almost single handedly destroyed the Dead Ringer Rosies on Saturday night even though she spent most of the match in the sin bin.

Leigh Josey: My nomination goes to the engineer/camera person behind this. A 360 degree video within the implosion of the Dallas Cowboys football stadium.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah! Robot camera people! I vote for Robot camera people too! I want one.

Leigh Josey: Mr Onthemoon, it’s been a pleasure as always. May the Barry Hall be with you.

Firstdog Onthemoon: And may you never be pushed over while doing up your shoelaces by a quivering jelly of a person.

Crikey’s Production manager and sports aficionado Leigh Josey and D going on C grade celebrity cartoonist First Dog on the Moon are back. It’s been a few weeks– we’ve missed you more then you’ve missed us — but we are here and reporting for duty. So much has happened in sport in the past few weeks and we are not going to lie to you — we probably won’t cover it. But we’ll try. And that’s got to count for something, doesn’t it?

Leigh Josey: Hello First Dog on the Moon! It’s been, well, ages since we’ve caught up on the intertubes and chewed the proverbially fat on the shaky vessel that is the Jock Wrap. I’d like to tell our single reader that The Jock Wrap was indefinitely suspended due to cocaine use and a police investigation is pending. As such we cannot comment on our absence and we will make further comment when we are in a position to do so. All media are advised that there will be no comment from the club until that time.

Firstdog Onthemoon: I thought it did a hammy! That’s what the footy blogs were saying. That and testing positive a third time and getting run over by a deranged fan in a golf cart.

Leigh Josey: To our defence, we had the Federal Budget — you were in Canberra, having tea at the Lodge, eating cake with the Deputy Prime Minister — they say long distance relationships don’t work…

Firstdog Onthemoon: No I was eating cake with Prime Minister’s cat at the lodge, when I had tea with the Deputy Prime Minister it was at Parliament House and we had meringue. Actually I had the fruit flan.

Leigh Josey: Did you talk about the Bulldogs with Julia Gillard, who is the Number 1 ticket holder down at Whitten Oval?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Julia and I spoke of many things, all of it off the record. I can tell you that the Prime Minister’s dog Abigail is a huge Adelaide Crows supporter.

Leigh Josey: Seriously? Poor thing…

Firstdog Onthemoon: Yeah, it stems from an incident years ago where she rolled in a dead one and was locked out of the house for two days.

Leigh Josey: Speaking of all things Canberra. Your boys, the Western Bulldogs, played in the nation’s capital on the weekend. Had a good win. Big Barry’s back and firing. How do you see your season thus far?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Finally on track. We played some of the footy we know we can play. We’ve all just been sitting around waiting for the season to start. We have some big ins this week. “Ins” that is not a word, nor is “outs”. Johnno is an out and so is Murph so those are two big outs. Outs outs outs. That is funny. Murph has been out of form for ages so we are winning without him. Johnno is kind of the same. We get Liam Picken back this week – it is so nice to have a tagger – so he is a good in and Griff is back so that is another big in, he has been great. Big ins! Ins ins ins. Outs outs outs. Ahahahahaha

Leigh Josey: We’ve been through this before. No more coke. Only coke zero for you. Well my boys, Fremantle, have had it tough of late. I’m only going to say this once, as I may throw up in my mouth a little, but … Collingwood are good. Bloody good. Bloody scary good. I actually didn’t think we played too bad. A little tired maybe, Collingwood had stronger bigger bodies yes. But … the Pies are flying. For Freo — it’s been a fantastic ride so far. Completely unbelievable. I’ve waited 16 years for this and then Michael Johnson goes and gets himself the subject of a police investigation for cocaine use. Bloody Freo.

Firstdog Onthemoon: The pies are peaking too early. That’s all I’m saying. Nice to see the Saints getting flogged though. If you recall, at the start of the year I said they were one ACL injury away from finishing eighth. Prescient doesn’t even begin to describe how good I am at this. Also, I heard some other guy say it at the pub but that is not the point.

Leigh Josey: Well it’s been a big few weeks in sport for off the field stuff — most recently Fremantle’s Michael Johnson, and before him Geelong’s Matthew Stokes, joined an exulted list of sports stars with white line fever including Diego Maradona, Chelsea’s Adrian Mutu, Belgian cyclist Tom Boonen, Mike Tyson, French tennis player Richard Gasquet and Swiss miss Martina Hingis. And then we had the Melbourne Storm salary cap scandal. What’s your take on all this things Dog?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I have never tried cocaine. Is it any good?

Leigh Josey: I didn’t inhale. But seriously, will both these things harm their respective codes? And how would you, a celebrity cartoonist, address these issues if it were up to you?

Firstdog Onthemoon: There are regular drug tests here at Crikey and I pass with flying colours every time. We Professional Cartoonists are role models in the wider community and we just have to accept it. There’s all those kiddies running around on Saturday mornings at AusDraw with Onthemoon on the backs of their little jumpers. Adorable. I have a duty to those little tackers and their mums and dads. So it’s not just about what happens on the page, what happens when I fire up photoshop in the morning, no. This is a job 24 hours a day, I didn’t go at number 1 in the 2007 draft so I could just piss it all away. I can’t afford to be getting smashed at Crown or the Mona Castle and bringing the brand into disrepute. There’s always some joker who wants to have a go at me in a nightclub or some wayward flibbertigibbet who wants to show me her etchings. It’s all part of the job and if want to stay at the top of my game I just have to make sure I keep my head down and my digital pen on the drawing tablet. To be honest, it is a small price to pay for glory.

Leigh Josey: OK then. Let’s move on shall we? The Rabbitohs, your glorious Russell Crowes, are sitting 5th on the ladder in the NRL. How much of this do you attribute to Ridley Scott?

Firstdog Onthemoon: All of it. That and Sigourney Weaver’s performance as Ripley in the Alien franchise. Also Carey Elwes in Men In Tights. And the Gobbledok.

Leigh Josey: Now let’s play around the world in sport in the time it takes to drink a pint of Carlton Draught (sponsorship pending)… In a word describe Mark Webber’s Formula One victory in Monaco…

Firstdog Onthemoon: As Winston Churchill said “A man does what he must – in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures – and that is the basis of all human morality. ”

Leigh Josey: The Australian Cricket team’s loss against England in the Twenty20 World Cup final?

Firstdog Onthemoon: I think it was also Winston Churchill who said “We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; and even though we are shit at cricket and nobody cares about 2020 because it is crap we shall never surrender.”

Leigh Josey: The Australian Women’s Cricket team’s victory over New Zealand in the Twenty20 World Cup final?

Firstdog Onthemoon: You made that up

Leigh Josey: Hmmm … I thought you were the feminist in this relationship. Anyway, what’s this week’s underreported sport of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: You say that like it is a bad thing. Seriously, I have not heard hide nor hair as they say, about the Women’s Auxiliary winning the cricket anywhere. I was making a political point about the patriarchal nature of the media. So this week’s underreported sport of the week is Women’s Cricket, which is not as funny as Newt Sticks or whatever that other one was but really. Also I am going to the Roller Derby on Saturday night so I will be able to talk about that next week.

Leigh Josey: We all await your dispatches with bated breath.  My underreported sport of the week goes to bridge, the true sport of kings. Texas Monthly has a fascinating interview with bridge legend Bob Hammam. Rock and roll. Sportsperson of the week?

Firstdog Onthemoon: Hey who won that Chess thingy?

Leigh Josey: Indian chess legend Viswanathan Anand beat Veselin Topalov in the final game of the World Chess Championships. You can read Ian Rogers’ peerless coverage exclusively for Crikey here.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Viswanathan! I knew he could do it. Topalov and his crafty stratagems all came undone in the end. Ha! I loved reading the chess stuff. So much that I missed the end of it. Julia Gillard is my sportsperson of the week for her kind offer to play Full Forward for the Western Bulldogs. I reckon she’d be great, although as I discussed in yesterday’s cartoon I suspect she might be handier at Centre Half Forward, or even roaming across the back line like Jarrod Harbrow.

Leigh Josey: Excellent choice. I’m choosing Australian female cricketer Ellyse Perry for her 3 for 18 and subsequent player of the match in the Women’s Twenty20 final. It’s her or Tony Abbott. Mr Dog, it’s been a pleasure, see you next week unless you are busy sharing fairy bread with Christopher Pyne.

Firstdog Onthemoon: Not if I see you first, you aging hack. Someone needs to tell you before you get the tap on the shoulder, it’s time to hang up the boots mate, you just don’t have the pace you once did. Go gracefully, make it seem like your decision, you can do a farewell lap at the reserves grand final. Or I’ll see you humiliate yourself again next week.