So what is it like to be on the telly?

Weird.

My recent appearance on Talking Pictures (ABC1) with the erudite and devil-may-care Mike Bowers was fun but decidedly odd. And annoying since they cut out all my good lines! Like the one about Julie Bishop either being a bunny rabbit or a Zombie Queen, and about her “cold dead eyes”. And Mike did a good gag about Kim Carr being “Minister for Endor” because I draw him as an ewok. LOL!

A cartoon I talked about
A cartoon I talked about

And we looked at all the firstdog merchandise and none made the cut. Come on! Chicken Parma for Obama? That is gold! Oh well, its the ABC I suppose.

The whole segment was about 10 minutes of actual filming edited down to three minutes. You can go and see the reason for my concern here at the Insiders page…

Click on this thingy

On the whole I thought I was quite charming and got away with it without looking like a complete plonker. Ever since I was invited to go on telly, I’ve thought about how I would look and sound on tv and have become a bit obsessed with my appearance which is something I apparently DO NOT NORMALLY SPEND ENOUGH TIME ON (just ask my special friend – the long suffering and totally hot firstgirlonthemoon). My style icon would be 1980’s Alexei Sayle if I wasn’t so lazy.

Anyway, recently at the Walkley Nomination announcement party some of the mob from Crikey who unlike me drank loads of champagne and were disgraceful drunkards when none of us got nominated, we all decided I should wear a DOG SUIT for Talking Pictures and other public appearances! It was a great idea at the time and still has considerable merit however logistics and cost and not being inebriated all contributed to me dressing in person clothes and “being outed” as a human thanks to the nice Mr Bowers. My first 3 minutes of fame (I have 12 left) involved me revealing myself to the world as a bit beardy and kind of lispy, (lispy ffs!) and funny looking but not in a bad way. I could be a mime on radio! Anyway, the whole appearance thing had me worried I would look like a potato cod lost at a fish conference. (This seamless segue has been brought to you by the Kerry Armstrong foundation for the Terminally Insincere).

The Potato Cod (Epinephelus tukula) is a magnificent fish. (Please note it is a fish and not a potato, e.g. it is not the Cod Potato because that would be a wholly different kind of vegetable which the Potato Cod isn’t, as it is in fact, a fish). You can see from all of these photos that it is blueish and has fins and so on.

I have always loved you
I am swimming in this direction
No no! I am a piece of coral!
Are you going to eat all of that yourself?

They are simply and utterly beautiful. They are apparently known as the Potato Cod (or even the Potato Grouper) because of the potato shaped markings all over them. This is silly, as the fish itself is much more potato shaped than anything and what shape is a potato anyway?

Potatoes are your friend!
Some potatoes

Potato Cods are seriously endangered and it could be because of this recipe I found on the internet…

Potato Cod Cakes with Dijon Tartar Sauce

Some people are stupid

…it is in fact a misnomer as the recipe calls for cod AND potato, rather than POTATO COD, but by then it could be TOO LATE! It’s all a bit boolean and reminds of the following joke which I found on popbitch:

A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm.
“Do you have any fishcakes?” he asks.
“Yes, of course,” says the fish shop owner.
“Great,” replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, “It’s his birthday.”

Potato Cod like to ambush their prey by hiding behind lumps of coral until their food swims past. They then lunge quickly and grab their meal which they swallow in one gulp. And it kind of serves you right if you are wandering about the ocean and not paying attention to a giant 100k fish huddled behind a bit of coral.

These hefty ocean dwellers grow up to 2 metres and are supposed to be friendly and inquisitive (there are no reported Potato Cod attacks but then perhaps they didn’t survive have you seen the size of that things face?), they will swim right up to you wanting a free feed or a scratch on the tummy or can you lend us eight bucks as I have to get the train to Bendigo mum’s not well. This is also part of the reason they are endangered as they just swim up to people some of whom are arses and kill them, (the cod is killed, not the arses). So boo to arses and hooray for the people in fisheries etc.

The End

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