Cat poo is evil, terrible stuff. It is so bad, even cats can’t stand it. They creep away to do it and cover up the evidence once they are done.

On the other hand, Twitter is different. Or is it? Everyone who isn’t on Twitter hates it. And rightly so. Except for the people who don’t. But it doesn’t matter if you’re one of them because you aren’t on it and so I no longer listen to anything you say. It’s nothing personal however I only read Twitter now. I get all my news from Twitter (INSTANTLY), I have all my social interactions on Twitter. I miss my family and my pets but they would be on Twitter if they really cared. And they aren’t, so what does that say? My own family don’t even follow me.


The thing about followers….

The thing about followers, is that under normal circumstances they are actually just other twitter users who choose to see the things you tweet. However my followers are far more devout and it is a bit more like the First Dog On The Moonies. If any of them deny it, it is because the drugs are wearing off. Just kidding, but they will all be killed.


How is it that I am so important?

As a twitter role model, I take the responsibility of being Melbourne’s 12th most important twitterer ( or 18th most important twitterer ( – not as reliable) very seriously. It is a heavy burden being as important and clever as I have become recently. Likewise being Australia’s Most Interesting Twitterer is both a blessing and a curse and yet I do not shy from the task at hand, that of being remarkable and shining a little light into the until now empty lives of my followers. I also came in at number 37 on Shifted Pixel’s top 50 Twitter influencers. Yes I did. Where did you come? I didn’t think so.

Remember, it is not about what you say or do or if you are an alleged social media commentator, it is all about following and being followed. The person who dies with the most followers wins.



All of the others…

There are still somehow a number of cooler twitterers than I and this is dissapointing and clearly some kind of technical oversight. I have followed a number of them (@kosso, @yonderboy, @squiddlydiddly, @fulltimecasual) and (accidentally no doubt) they HAVE NOT FOLLOWED ME BACK! They are so cool and horribly mistaken that they think they don’t need to follow me in spite of all of my plaques and certificates. Fuck ’em. It is the ones who only follow people they are interested in who are not to be trusted. I follow everyone, from the lowly Hawaiian Real Estate agent to the guy with only three updates and the ubiquitous dog avatar. The twitstream I see is a hideous torrent of corpses, polystyrene and inanity. But that is not the point. 



Why I like Twitter

I like Twitter because it takes the funnest of inconsequential human interactions and turns them into a web application. It is a zillion overheard conversations at the shop, on the train, in the park. It is a quick chat in the hall at work with someone about something related not to work or related to it. You can dip in and out as you like. It makes eavesdropping a good thing (as if it wasn’t). Now that I have almost all the followers that there are, I thought I might miss out on some conversations as there are too many, but it’s not like that. You can take what you like and leave the rest, as they say.



They mostly come at night. Mostly.

I don’t take it personally of course. If someone stops following me, at no time do I think, what did I do? What didn’t I do? What could I have done differently? I don’t have any small codependent twinge of loss or even guilt like I assume some of you others do. There is no surge in that amorphous sense of failure that swirls around in the already fertile morass of self hatred and crushing despair. I don’t know about any of that. I asked on twitter the other day about Qwitter (a service that tells you when you lose a follower) and @stilgherrian suggested only the paranoid and shallow use those kind of services. How I laughed. A high slightly hysterical screechy laugh. Paranoid? Shallow? Moi? I think not.

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