Apr 19, 2010

COMPETITION: The RuddBot Detailed Programmatic Specificity Translator™

It probably

ruddballIt probably comes as no shock to learn that most members of the Crikey crew are total word nerds. We love a good pun, inventing stupid haikus and are fully paid-up members of the Subeditorial Antics Appreciation Society.

But our all-time favourite office word game is the “DetailedProgrammaticSpecificityTranslator™” — also known as “RuddSpeak”.

Everything is funnier when you pretend it’s being said by our beloved leader:

“On the question of today’s editorial meeting, let me just say this…”

“You know something? When it comes to the publishing of the email, we’re willing to take whatever action is necessary to meet the needs of ordinary Australians.”

Hours of (working) family fun.

To celebrate the launch of Fully (sic), we’d like to invite you to play, too.

Pick a snippet of text — anything from a song lyrics to a poem to a conversation with your GP — and run it through the DetailedProgrammaticSpecificityTranslator™. How would the Ruddbot say it?

The best translations will win one of two very schmick hardcover 5th edition Macquarie dictionaries.

So take some decisive action — we want your fresh ideas and magic bullets.

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30 thoughts on “COMPETITION: The RuddBot Detailed Programmatic Specificity Translator™

  1. Competition winners – Fully (sic)

    […] announcement of our Ruddbot translation competition winners was never likely to contain anything in terms of detailed programmatic specificity. Let me […]

  2. Fully (sic)

    The competition winners will be announced in due season. Let me just say that we’re not out of the woods yet.

  3. adelaide

    “The sun shines out of my arse.”

    This will provide a never ending alternative source of solar power for the nation.

  4. NumberEveryBox

    Any takers for Ruddifying “CARNA BRONCOS!”?

  5. Leith Daniel

    “Konan Rudd? What is best in life?”

    “Let me just say this in response to that very lucid and insightful question regarding the nature of that positive state and how it comes about:

    To be the causational effect of one’s adversaries to a state of crumbled matter; to be within visual range – and of course being of sufficient lucidity to appreciate the gravity of the situation – of their transversion to a location which in the most colloquial of terms could be described as “away”; to be within auditory range of the working mothers’ lamentation of the said transubstantiational result of their respective spouses.

  6. juzzy

    Having been disengaged from the field of human conflict by my superiors, I felt within certain parameters that a small part of my emotional totality had remained, as it were, subjectively and perhaps figuratively, in the custody of those fine working Australians whose tours had not yet been completed; the engineers, who remained at that wonderful destination in that beautiful country, our neighbour and friend whence so many valuable contributions to Australian society and cuisine have come: Khe San, in the People’s Republic of VIetnam.
    In times past it was not as widely known as it is now how much of a poisonous killer, and a blight on our modern world is the smoking of cigarettes; however, having succumbed to this vice for some time I made a financially sound decision to strategically offload my holdings of a number of plant-based nicotine-delivery systems, along with something that could, in Chinese, have been referred to, loosely and not at all specifically with regard to cultural differences and evolution of same, as my “Chi”,or my life energy, or my soul. These items were exchanged with a shadowy operator for a small amount of easily transferable currency, and while I am fully aware that such off-market transactions are both unethical and injurious to taxation receipts, the transaction was made of necessity, a necessity to capitalise in the short term, in order to fully fund ongoing promises already made and committed to.
    Upon saying my farewells to that fine land, I realised in transit and upon disembarkation at my destination that I still felt a certain longing, or yearning, for either the place itself, or perhaps, and it is a painful admission to make, but this is a government not afraid to tackle the hard issues, my sudden withdrawal from both the location and certain substances which I had, I am ashamed to admit but proud to confess, become somewhat dependent upon. The extent of this withdrawal ran from the very shores of this fine land, patrolled by our brave lifesavers and coast guard, to this nation’s premier city.

  7. Venise Alstergren

    人仺伋㐰伅 仺份伇人倉倉

  8. originaldog

    the time has come

    With respect to the imminent chronological event, can I just say this. The arrival of said event is indeed immediate.

    a fact’s a fact

    I will state, for the record, that certain pieces of information, are indeed legitimate statements of fact. That is to say facts that are known by you and me, Australian Working Families.

    it belongs to them

    Well, you know what? The object or implied objects that are the subject of this discussion are, and I make no apologies for saying this, objects for which we can claim no ownership of.

    lets give it back

    Let me answer this in two parts. Firstly, we, the Working Families of Australia must immediately gather together these objects of which we cannot claim ownership of. Secondly, we must then return these objects to their rightful owners. This is not a magic bullet, the process should be done carefully, in a considered manner. The detailed programmatic specificity of this process will be released in due season.

  9. David Roberts

    Eels “Fresh Blood” {RuddSpeak}

    / Sun down on the sorry day /
    {Let me answer this question in two parts: firstly, people are shouting their protest from the rooftops in the dark due to the flow-on consequences of the earth’s orbit around the sun – as sure as night follows day. Secondly, even those opposite would agree working families were experiencing great tradgedy on that sorry day}

    / By nightlights the children pray /
    {I also draw his attention to the fact that those opposite oppose, the opposite to day, being lit; so as to allow the children of working families a prayer.}

    / I know you´re prob´ly gettin´ ready for bed /
    {I have indicated already a very busy year ahead with the federal election. When it comes to the bedroom flip-flop-flap, I stand ready to take further action as is necessary}

    / Beautiful woman get out of my head /
    {My office has been providing me with written and verbal briefings about ‘Her beauty’ throughout each day}

    / I´m so tired of the same old crud /
    {I am so very sick and tired of the blame game of comparision of the qualities of crud in its many various forms, especially out of my own mouth}

    / Sweet baby I need fresh blood /
    {Sweet means-tested new baby bonus recipient’s working family’s offspring, I advise I alone will be needing a fair shake of the fresh blood sauce bottle}

    / Whoo! /
    {And I am happy}

    / Howl /
    {I look forward to that with the usual levels of anticipation, excitement and joy}

  10. Hamish Coffee

    Haha, nice one Matt.

  11. Matt C

    “From little things, big things grow”

    would become

    “In respect of the matters under discussion that are of diminutive size, it has been suggested that there is a general expectation that such things will, in time, develop into things of a greater size. I make no apologies for making this observation”.

  12. acannon

    These are all so good! I don’t envy you(se) judging this one! I think I especially like Migraine’s and Peter Ward’s…

  13. ivar_the_boneless

    Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance”
    “I want you love and I want your revenge/you and me could write a bad romance/I want your love and all your lover’s revenge/you and me could write a bad romance/whoa-oh-oh, caught in a bad romance/whoa-oh-oh, caught in a bad romance.”

    “I have a deep and pressing need for your affection and I also have a deep and pressing need for your retribution. The both of us, together, now have the ability to take a bipartisan approach to composing a derivative but commercially viable novel pertaining to a passionately amorous relationship.

    Let me restate. I have an immediate requirement that you convey to me your strongest personal attraction. Furthermore, I deeply desire that you assign to me the totality of the vigilante justice that has been aroused in you by a person for whom you have had a strong emotional bond, and who has subsequently wronged you severely. As Prime Minister of Australia, I am sorry, and I would like to reconvey to you my fervent hope that you will accept my offer to chronicle this dark period in your life in written form, for the benefit of the nation.

    Can I just say that it is regrettable that you and I have been ensnared in a dysfunctional relationship, characterised both by profound fondness and deep antipathy. Indeed, it is lamentable that the overall tenor of this relationship is that it is inescapably negative.”

  14. ivar_the_boneless

    The PM does Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face”:

    “I want to make it very clear just how much this government is taking responsibility for its playing cards, as they do in Texas, a place which, as my friend former President Bush knows, I am very fond.

    Mr Abbott will similarly hold his cards close to his chest and, as we can all expect from Mr Abbott, he will continue with his negative campaigning against the government’s initiatives without offering any policy alternatives of his own. In refusing to work with the government, he is raising the risk of a negative outcome for hardworking families across Australia. Can I just say to all the mums and dads out there that they can trust this government to deliver on its promises, and when it comes to serving the Australian people, there’s nothing I love more.

    Look, the vicissitudinal fortunes that beset modern life, in conjunction with our overall policy direction, undoubtedly put pressures on the political cards played by this government. But when it comes to the future of Australia, I will never apologise for playing spades, so that we can use those spades to continue to build the Education Revolution.

    I extend an open invitation to Mr Abbott to work in a bipartisan manner with the government on this issue. If he should accept this invitation, I, as Prime Minister, will share with him our strategy for moving forward with the building of this nation, a cause which, I’m sure, is close to his heart.

    Frankly, he’ll be flat out like a lizard throwing shrimps on the barbie once I show him what I’ve hidden in the biscuit tin.

    In the meantime, in the meantime, Kerry, let me just say, Mr Abbott’s perceptive ability has utterly deserted him with respect to the strategic blueprint of this government for the future direction of this great nation of ours.”

  15. Dan Cass

    Well let’s be very clear about the Commonwealth’s position: for the first time in the history of the Federation, the Australian Government’s becoming the dominant funder of the public hospital system of Australia.
    RuddBot (on 7:30 20/04/2010)

    A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
    Groucho Marx

  16. Dan Cass

    Legitimate questions are being raised about the souffle’s height potential, following the rapid decline from its original maximum.

    Can a souffle rise twice?
    Paul Keating

  17. Mr Pastry

    “Many a mickle makes a muckle”

    DetailedProgrammaticSpecificityTranslator™ Translation:
    As Prime minister, I am ultimately responsible for the status of a mickle presence being so quantitatively numerous, that it enhances the prospects, generation and construction of a clearly defined muckle. Moving forward, this will be for the benefit of all stakeholders and Australia as a whole, and when the detailed and open consultation is delivered in 2015 it is hoped there will be a positive outcome that will engage the community, as well as a website.

  18. Bullmore's Ghost

    “Where the bloody hell are you?”

    Can I just say that, looking around me today, in terms of numbers I am struck by the deficiency of people visiting this continent from other countries and, you know what, to my mind, it begs the obvious question of where the f*ck you might be at this point in time.

  19. Alex McKinnon

    On the question of dairy-based flavoured beverages, let me just say this- they have been known in certain specific-requirement circumstances to attract a very large number of working families- people just like you and me- to the multi-purpose outdoor gardening and general recreation area.

    With apologies to Kelis (I never thought I’d have to write THAT sentence again.)

  20. Nanette

    All the above comments seem spot on – which makes them incredibly dispiriting (yes I know it’s all meant to be ironic).

    How about a Paul Keating Witty Abuse competition? At least it would be less depressing.

  21. Simon Madden

    All we are saying, is give peace a chance.

    “To the question of what indeed my colleagues and I have been saying with respect current ADF personnel numbers in both Iraq and Afghanistan and any potential further deployments in those theatres, let me just say we remain committed – and this goes to our stated policy – to maintaining adequate troop levels so as to ensure that peace is given a fair shake of the sauce bottle, mate.”

  22. Hamish Coffee

    “Going where we have to go to do what we need to do to protect the quality of life of ordinary working Australians” (repeat 144 times)

    With apologies to Daft Punk’s ‘Around the World.’

  23. Briannen

    The Ruddbot finally has his own version of Denis Leary’s slightly revolting musical interpretation of self-pride “A**hole”. Kevin’s version is course called “I’m the PM”:

    “Folks, let me begin by singing a song about the Australian dream. About me, about you. About the way our Australian mum and dad investor hearts beat way down in the bottom of our working family chests. About that special feeling we get in the cockles of said working family chestal areas. Maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockal area, maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the region of the latter stages of the human intestinal area, we don’t know.

    I’m just a regular Kev, with a regular job, I’m your average nice surburbanite bloke. I like football and certainly under no circumstances do I like porno, and books about overseas conflict which I am absolutely 100% committed to sitting down and strategically contemplating a possible withdrawl scenario for.
    I’ve got an average house, with a nice hardwood, sturdy, reliable and un…break…able floor.
    My wife, my job, my kids and my car. My feet on my Australian made, keeping mums and dads in permanent paid employment table, and my unidentified overseas which will be processed. In. Due. Course. cigar.

    But sometimes that just *emphasised colloquial twang* “ain’t” enough to keep a bloke, like me, interested. No, I’ve got to go out and have fun at someone else’s expense, providing that person is part of a working family, is part of a community, is part of the future of our country and is part of the building of the education revolution. Whoa yeah, oh yeah oh yeah yeah.

    I’m the PM (he’s the PM, what a PM!)
    I’m the PM (he’s the PM, hot tempered PM!)

    I’m the PM, and I’m unashamedly, completely, genuinely 100% proud of it.

    That’s all folks.”

  24. Matt C

    “This is a victory for the true believers”.

    Translation: “Can I just say that I make no apologies for declaring that this particular instance in which the party of which I am the leader has attracted a majority of votes reflects favourably upon, and indeed can be attributed to and relished by, many of the individuals who are most committed to the policies and programs that this Government has unashamedly put forward. Those individuals whose own views show remarkable complementarity with the views of myself and my Government can rightfully claim some degree of a stake in this electoral incident”.

  25. Stevo the Working Twistie

    “Let me just say this: it would be a cause of some significant personal satisfaction if I were to encompass the extremity of one of your upper limbs with the digits of the extremity of my own upper limb”

    … which I think scans much better than the Beatles original, “I wanna hold your hand”.

  26. Peter Ward

    With apologies to Led Zeplin, whose words always have two meanings:

    There’s a person, a female fellow citizen of this great country of ours, who has done some very interesting and detailed research and has developed the hypothesis – and she is yet to be proven wrong – that

    All of the things that we see around us and which have that sort of reflective quality by which light is scattered in small amounts are in fact imbued with some of the qualities of precious metals, and in particular gold

    And she’s seeking to commercialise this intellectual property – which is a wonderful thing about this country how we do lead the world in some intellectual pursuits, and my government is serious about assisting Australian enterprise in that regard – to commercialise it for the purpose of purchasing a set of stairs of sufficient design to facilitate access to a place that she refers to as heaven, although I hasten to add that is not necessarily the same use of the word heaven as is used in other religions and I don’t think she means that – and I certainly don’t mean that – in any blasphemous way.

  27. matthew.pieter.clark

    Dizzee Rascal: “Some people think I’m bonkers / But I just think I’m free / Man I’m just living my life / There nothing crazy about me…”

    Ruddbot “Can I just say that there are people out there, collectively, who have questions in terms of the extent to which full cognitive capacity is apparent / Well I say to them, in very simple terms, that cognitive capacity is the number one priority of this government / You know, as I know, as ordinary working Australians know, that opinions about cognitive capacity differ / having said that, my own view is that there is a fair shake of the capacity sauce left in this old bottle.”

  28. Michael Nolan

    It’s Time.

    Ruddspeak translation:
    ‘Look, people are asking – working families around the country are stumping up and asking, as we bring the Cabinet into town halls to start a conversation with ordinary Australians – they’re asking, Prime Minister, when should we back you lot? Let me be very clear about this: the Labor government takes the view that we’ve reached that juncture.’

  29. Bill Parker

    “On the question of today’s editorial meeting, let me just say this…”

    I think Rudd was weaned on Frank Muir and Denis Norden through Peter Sellers when he uttered something close to those immortal words in the party political speech.

  30. Migraine

    Ruddbot does Joy Division: “Let me say that the profound human emotions at the heart of every Australian working family will regretably act as a divisive influence on repeated occasions.”

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