This week I found myself the target of some vituperation from anti-fluoride, erm, “campaigners” after my attention was drawn to an appalling picture of Tanya Plibersek posted to the Facebook page of South Australian independent Legislative Councillor Ann Bressington. I contacted Bressington asking why a commenter’s suggestion that the Health Minister be “lynched” was allowed to remain on Bressington’s page and whether she thought accusing Plibersek of “crimes against humanity” was likely to incite such views. Bressington then posted my email on her Facebook page as well. When News Ltd political editor Tory Shepherd contacted her, Bressington posted details of that, too.

Bressington declined to accept my Friend request on Facebook, thereby preventing me from responding to the anti-fluoride folk on her page — on the basis that she if she couldn’t comment on my Twitter, I wouldn’t be allowed to comment on her Facebook. She actually said this to me in a comment to me… on Twitter. Yes, this woman votes. Not votes in the normal sense — she votes in the South Australian upper house. On legislation.

Anyway, as I was thwarted from responding on Bressington’s Facebook page, I thought I’d offer this open letter to anti-fluoride campaigners:

Dear Anti-Fluoridians

Firstly, let me say that I was delighted to hear the venerable anti-fluoride movement is still going. I thought you had died out sometime in the Nixon years, but to discover that you’re still alive in the dark undergrowth of the internet has cheered me as much as discovering that a rare and exotic species thought extinct has been rediscovered in dense forest rarely trodden by humans.

Second, I wish to relate to you what happened this week when I was attending one of my busy roster of conspiracy meetings. As a member of the all-powerful Ruling Élite (Media Division), naturally I sit in on regular committee meetings that oversee some of the major global conspiracies. Keeping global conspiracies running is a lot of work, and you probably understand that it has to be divided up amongst a lot of committees that have oversight of individual conspiracies.

As you can imagine, this can be fairly demanding of the time of attendees since we all have day jobs to do, and it’s only recently that I had to reluctantly beg off my participation in the Chem Trails Conspiracy oversight committee due to a clash with my growing responsibilities on the 9/11 Truth Committee and a new role on the Overarching Illuminati-Masonic Conspiracy audit subcommittee. Also, the Barack Obama Conspiracy has recently had to be split into two because the work of maintaining both the birther conspiracy and the Obama-is-a-Lizard-Person conspiracy was becoming too much; accordingly, my (admittedly small) role in the public affairs subcommittee there was eliminated.

However, I was participating in one of my long-term commitments this week, a Fluoride-Conspiracy committee meeting held here in Canberra. At the end of the meeting, I turned and said to Tanya Plibersek “you know Minister, I’m really worried about Ann Bressington, I think she’s really close to blowing the lid right off this whole conspiracy and revealing that fluoride is a dastardly plot to poison people.”

“But Bernard,” the Minister said, “that’s very alarming. What are we going to do?”

Tory Shepherd, who’s also on the committee, joined the conversation (the idea that News Ltd and Crikey are enemies is just a facade — in fact we all work closely together to protect the New World Order). “We need to undermine and discredit the movement with our powerful media presences,” she said.

“Well,” I corrected her, “your powerful media presence, and my not-so-powerful media presence. What we should do is, contact Ms Bressington’s office and ask her about the anti-fluoride poster she’s circulating that accuses you of crimes against huge manatee.”

I waited a moment. “Crimes against huge manatee,” I said again. After several seconds and repeating “geddit?” a couple of times, I gave up waiting for either of them to laugh and continued “that will undermine and discredit the whole anti-fluoride movement.”

Ms Plibersek considered this for a moment, sipped her glass of water, (distilled, unfluoridated — because that’s what we Ruling Élites drink), and then agreed. “Yep. Go for it guys,” she said. “And see you at the Chariots-of-the-Gods remuneration telecon next week.”

“I just wish they’d circulate the papers for that one a bit earlier,” I said.

Unfortunately, I confess, our lame ruse, our paper-thin, indeed wafer-thin, tactic, a tactic so thin you can’t even see it when it’s turned side-on, was soon seen through by anti-fluoride campaigners. No sooner had I contacted Bressington than she was onto me and exposing my attempt to perpetuate the conspiracy. As one of her commenters insightfully observed, “Must be so bored they need to create They story’s these days what do you expect from Mainstream Media Reporter’s who act like children (Bernard Keane ) to get noticed it would take a lot more grown up professionalism to be able to report REAL STORY’S.”

But — and kudos — Bressington herself was clever enough to see the real agent behind all this – Tanya Plibersek. After Shepherd contacted Bressington, the MP divined the hand of the Health Minister in this appalling attempt to silence her. ” They want this poster removed because Tanya is afraid it incites violence,” said Bressington. Commenters agreed that Plibersek was behind both Shepherd and myself. “I’ll bet she doesn’t drink bloody tap water…thats only for the poor to drink,” one said.

So, my message to you all is, I’m big enough to acknowledge when I’m beaten. I’m sorry, so very sorry, that we thought you wouldn’t see through such an obvious ploy to silence Bressington and destroy the Anti-Fluoride movement. I have tendered my resignation to the Fluoride committee in the hope that new input and fresh ideas can once again extend the dark veil of this global conspiracy over all minds.

Yours sincerely

Bernard Keane

(Illuminati name: Putresco Incitatus)

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